The one where the audience is all dead.

I miss hanging out with skaters and listening to songs about necrophilia.

Anyways.

It's been confirmed: I can't stand T.S. Elliot.

Two poems, that's it.

'The Hollow Men' and 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock'.

I'm going to have so much fun with my fucking liberal arts degree.

:|

I can roll blunts with it or maybe shoo away flies.

I think I would like to go to New York.

I'm going to find the faggots here who think they're unique and see if they're willing to work on my zine with me.

And liking rap is going to be a requirement.

I don't think you're beautiful, I think you're beyond it

I've realized I'm shallow.

I'M OKAY WITH THIS.

[5/30/10 11:09:18 PM] Mern Haider: I had a dream that I had this huge surprise party at my house and it freaked me out because there were so many people

[5/30/10 11:09:24 PM] Mern Haider: and then because you and me are awkward as fuck

[5/30/10 11:09:32 PM] Mern Haider: we just snuck out into the backyard and smoked

[5/30/10 11:09:33 PM] Mern Haider: :/

[5/30/10 11:09:39 PM] Nick W: LOL

[5/30/10 11:09:39 PM] Mern Haider: SEE HOW LAME WE ARE

[5/30/10 11:09:42 PM] Mern Haider: EVEN IN MY DREAMS

[5/30/10 11:09:46 PM] Nick W: wow

[5/30/10 11:09:50 PM] Mern Haider: WE CAN'T EVEN BE COOL SUCONSCIOUSLY APPARENTLY

[5/30/10 11:10:01 PM] Nick W: wtf is wrong with us

[5/30/10 11:10:07 PM] Mern Haider: srsly

si quieres, si tu quieres

I found my high school journal.

I think I'll be using that again.

The last entry was my waiting on my acceptance letter from SMU in late April.

Well, since then I got rejected, got accepted, accepted me, met people who accepted me, forgot who I was, figured it out, and am now trying to piece it together again.

Goddammit.

I'm awesome.

Everyone else can

Suck

My

Dick

Party and bullshit and party and bullshit and party and bullshit

Vomiting out your feelings is way better than eating them.

Eating, sleeping- Overrated.

All I need is sweet tea and pretty things.

you shall above all things be glad and young

   you shall above all things be glad and young   

 For if you're young,whatever life you wear     

 it will become you;and if you are glad    

whatever's living will yourself become.    

Girlboys may nothing more than boygirls need:   

 i can entirely her only love     

 whose any mystery makes every man's   

 flesh put space on;and his mind take off time    

  that you should ever think,may god forbid  

  and (in his mercy) your true lover spare:   

 for that way knowledge lies,the foetal grave   

 called progress,and negation's dead undoom.    

  I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing   

 than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance

\\\EDIT///

I am going to make my room look like a magic cave. 

I like saying "suck my dick".

I'm not "IN" anything.

I cannot wait to get back from england and dye my hair. 

I am sick of how I look, I am sick of how people percieve me. 

My birthday is next week. 

How am I almost 19 and everything is still exactly the same?

Despite all my rage....

Funny, though.

I wonder if someone is watching over me,

 watching me live this life,

whoever they are....

I hope they're enjoying themselves. 

Joan Rivers is almost 80 motherfucking years old

Nope.

Haven't changed at all.

I figured out "my type" though.

I have my "types" figured out.

Yep.

I disgust myself so much,

it's shocking

that I can see my own reflection

in the mirror

through all the vomit.

Horchata

Well. I went back and looked at my old myspace....

Same problems, same place, same faces.

HERE'S AN OLD ENTRY I MADE ON THERE:

They say when you hit thirty your life stops. It's like fucking Logan's Run.

They were making fun of Laura today. Luckily I was too hopped on beauty pills to go off on her. Poor girl would have ruined her mascara. My teachers make me out to be some sort of a villian. And then I get home and my mom makes me out to be a villain. I'm always against somebody. And apparently I'm not worth enough to be a protagonist. I don't even think I play a role in anyone else's story let alone mine. Does that mean I don't exist? I hope so. That would make everything a lot easier. I could do as I please...

So I lost my diary. They say you don't really write down what happens to you but really how you react to things. So I fucking lost it. And I think my mom read it. She read my reactions. To stupid things. To boys, Virginia Woolf, and Forever21. That's apparently all I think about. They say you don't know a person until you've read their diary. I guess you can figure out someone by their reactions. I'm shallow...and...bizzarre. I bet I didn't spell that right.

I got into a fight with the art history teacher today. I don't think she actually appreciates her own subject. Like she just got a degree in it to be cool. They say a lot of people don't major in something they actually want to do. Maybe she tricked herself into thinking she enjoyed it so she could trick herself into being cool. Maybe.

I lost my zebra earrings. I liked them a lot. I remember I asked her if she dressed deliberately to contrast the structure of the T-bar heels with the whimsical dot pattern on her blouse. She just laughed at me. Then why does she bother getting dressed?

I finished chapter one of my assassin story. Mr. Shipley sincerely liked it. That means a lot.

I saw a boy with a guitar sitting under a tree,
pretending that he didn't want anyone to see.
And I wanted to smash his guitar in his face,
Just to show him that he had no place,
in my thoughts.
-That goes out to all the 'artists' who like John Mayer.

M.I.A. and I could be twins. I was reading her latest blog. So blatantly anti-mainstream. She fell in though. Oh whatever. She has to make a living...I have to make a name. Hopefully some poor gay guy will take pity on me in college and want to be my friend. Then we can be like Courtney Love and Perez Hilton! How fabulous! I don't know why I can't get along with people. I hate it when people 'accept' me. Like they're doing me a favor. I want them to hate me. HAHAHA like the counselor said. "You make people hate you".

Yes. Well.

I have almost convinced myself that I am a good person.

I have the most amazing friends in the entire world.

I'm a good person who's bad with money.

If I could just let everyone know how much they mean to me....I just I appreciate what I have and I appreciate the people I know.

I'm siting here in the tech center at my university to hide from everyone, but god damn do I feel lonely.

I wrote Gavin a message via facebook that I wanted to post here, just so I can remember it.

Mern Haider May 15 at 2:06am

:(

I know you're all excited to go back home.

But I think I have too many issues with my family.

This is why I promised myself I would never get involved with a boy and was going to be single until my parents just married me off.

It's just too much. I feel I do complain quite a bit and then do nothing about it, but I can't make you or Jacob or any white person understand WHY I do this.

It's a really huge cultural thing, that none of you will ever understand. No matter how hard you all argue that THIS IS AMURRICA or CULTURE DOESN'T MATTER.

It's something I have to put up with and make sure my children will never have to endure.

I just feel so stupid having to explain it or talk about it to my friends, but then again that's why I cherish every friendship I have, whether it's internets, real life, imaginary whatever because you willingly choose to deal with me and all my bullshit and listen and comfort me and care about me.

I can't express to you enough how much I love all of my friends, how much I just love people in general because (just like you Gavin) I want them to love me back and fill up this hole that my family has carved into me. I can cry with people I barely know, spend more money on a sick friend than I would on my sister, skip all my classes and be with someone who just didn't want to be alone, because I really didn't have anyone like that till I got to my senior year of high school.

Because I mean I was born into this family and they're supposed to love me unconditionally and they treat me like I'm a stranger...and you were all strangers and you love me so much when you have absolutely no obligation to.

That's why i don't want to put any of you through all my misery and bitching and complaining because I know I can't deal with it and you can't help so it just worries all of you.

It just helps me to tell people and have someone commiserate with me, but seeing any of you get upset or frustrated over it kills me inside.

it really kills me.

Jacob gets so upset at why I don't just up and leave...he doesn't understand that it really isn't that easy.

They have me whipped. No one can understand unless they were used to this culture.

I mean I've basically almost given up on Islam and I'm starting to hate my own culture more and more.

Jacob said "You don't even like your family, Mern, why are you still there?"

Because I love them?

I don't know.

I said I wish i would have been brainwashed so I could have just been numb and happy with my life instead of miserable and different.

He got upset and won't talk to me.

That hurt. But I understand why he did that. (also again, internets- doesn't matter, I know).

I should be telling all this to Jacob. I know I should.

But I can't. So I'm telling you, because you're the first person I thought of that I could just type this out to.

This really didn't have a point to it really. i just needed to get it off my chest.

Congratulations society.

I think I would like to try living in a place where I am not considered manipulative and selfish.

A new home, perhaps.

Every night since I can remember, I fall asleep listening to how terrible I am.

Every day that I can remember, I spend reminding myself how ungrateful I am.

Interesting.

Anyways I would like to take this time to say that I have no more eman.

Absolutely none.

I am a Muslim in name only.

Why keep the name?

To spare myself any further sparring with the people who are responsible for my birth.

oh shut up

Busou Renkin was a very good anime now that I think about it.

I should have watched it some more.

Everything is slowly coming together now.

If only I would.

But you know me.

So stubborn.

I also just realized that I definitely do not drink enough water....

Izze is not water.

Water is water.

AGUA:

It does the body good.

"Please stop the room, I'd like to get off now"

Just stop the world in general, I'd like to get off now.

I wonder what it would be like if mermaids were real.

I feel like somehow we would have more solutions to environmental problems.

Oh but then I guess that oil spill would have killed all of them anyways.

You can call me moonman

I need to remember that I am not good at stepping out of my comfort zone.

Listening to rap mixtapes, working out and

waiting for calls that will never come, that's what I'm good at.

"You're on the wrong path."

EDIT:

"never mind the vomit, have some opium"

Try to never be alone with your thoughts.

They'll kill you, they're out to get you.

Apparently all of my hobbies, interests or opinions are inane.

I'm used to constant disapproval.

When you say you're in love with someone,

you're supposed to accept someone as they are right?

I did that with you, you did that for me.

You changed some things for me, I changed myself a little for you too.

But, it's actually kind of funny,

we never worked things through.

You stay in my thoughts,

you can't forget about me.

How I wish you would leave,

how I wish we could forget eachother.

Instead of wasting away somewhere nice.....

Let's pretend we don't exist.

I miss reading historical fiction.

There's a squirrel in the ceiling above my room.

I wonder if he likes listening to Clogs.

Again and again

I still don't believe that I can be in love.

And though this may be cause for concern....

I am perfectly okay with this.

Terminally chill

As I treat every summer, I will treat this time as a way to improve myself.

That way,

when Fall comes,

I can go back to being a complete failure with some fond memories.

FEELSGOODMAN

:D

I have a feeling this will be the best DIY summer yet.

Killin' it

She tucked a loose curl behind his ear.

He closed his eyes and sighed as her fingers grazed his cheek.

She stilled.

It was a soft sigh.

A delicious one.

A sigh that turned her insides into candy floss.

That was it.

He turned her into sugar.

Caramelized sugar at that.

A sweet, burning sensation that took over her entirely.

Is this what it felt like? This crippling vulnerability they advertised in greeting cards?

She always believed that it was like flying.

Then why was she so in awe of him? Why did she feel the need to look up at him when they spoke?

She looked up at him now. He seemed so content, so blissfully unaware of the thoughts racing through her head, so trusting of her.

Cringing, she turned away from him, ignoring his disgruntled reaction.

It was disturbing her.

She was so used to having little more than nothing and here he was poised to become her everything, no questions asked.

He came to stand in front of her, hands outstretched, reaching for hers.

Slowly and with great caution, she allowed her hands to meet with his.

With their fingers intertwined, he sighed again.

Another delicious sigh.

She shivered as she looked up at him this time, not daring to stare him right in the eyes.

But his were closed again, reveling in the simple joy of being with her.

And suddenly,

she remembered that flying was simply falling with a sense of direction.

.

Strangest angel

"She couldn't focus for but a minute.

Everything and everyone, it seemed, was rushing, whooshing, sweeping past her.

If she stopped to blink, she would be forgotten."

I still have all these ideas in my head.

I love them.

And I want them to stay with me forever.