Don't be stingy with your bullets, always double tap

I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I have absolutely no grasp on it.

I try to control small things like my weight and studying but it's almost like a waste of time.

I'm not a laidback person. This is killing me.

I crave structure.

Every aforementioned sentence in this entry began with "I".

Now this:

"I" am such a worthless piece of shit.

Do people have a stronger emotional response when reading literature or when seeing visual art?

THE FORMER:

I have never been more captivated by a painting before in my life.

I used to hate art because I can't draw.

Then I saw this.

I saw this and I wanted to create things.

I saw this and it moved me to productivity.

I saw this and I wanted to BE it.

It was perfection. Harmony.

Yes. 'Composition with Red, Blue, and Yellow' is one of my favorite works.

After reading the LATTER, I could not sleep. My mind had been jumpstarted.

This resulted into a moderate addiction to sleeping pills, depression, and some momentary atheism.

It still boggles my mind even today and I realize how weak and mediocre my mind is in that I still cannot fully grasp just how amazing this book is.

I wear a lot of gray. And I fear that I may have developed a personal style.

I was laughing at you for two minutes straight

Never going to try to go out of my comfort zone again.

But today is a good day, I know who I am, what I want, and where I'm going...sort of.

SO.

Tried going to F6 yesterday and got scared shitless because the directions were whack as fuck.

Ended up in a scary as hell trailer park.

Forgot the place was a warehouse...

I've been using Twitter as a diary and I realized that shit don't work that way.

I should probably go get dressed for lunch.

I want to fast today. But oh well.

I also have a knack for picking out boys with personality disorders and the normal ones turn out to be...weird.

Well, after last night, I thought it fitting to listen to Amy Winehouse...I really wish I had an older brother.

Bring down the block

I'm a big Mexican fail.

I've started praying a lot for some weird reason. I feel like God gives a shit about me.

Pathetic, ungrateful weed that I am.

It's probably not healthy when you start having dreams about shoes right?

Must be the cheese.

And I keep listening to Kid Cudi before I sleep :/

Whatever. I just want boots and platform heels.

College is going a hell of a lot better than expected though I am expecting to get kicked in the ass by my classes. I've skipped political science twice this week and I only show up to history class when I have a quiz.

I'm supposed to be studying right now actually.

Fuck that.

I'm going to collage this weekend if it kills me.

I should probably mention my weekend.

Saturday night I will spend 5 hours at a house of someone who hates me and my family where I will not eat anything or dance at all.

Instead of the football game.

Followed by a 7AM wakeup call to get dressed as best as possible for Eid-Al-Fitr prayer at mosque followed by lunch with Sidra's family.

And then...

I have to go back to TCU to "study"

Which means I'm getting dressed and going with Lark to the GSA dinner in Dallas and then S4.

:]

I'm kind of getting sick of computers. I may go back to my journal. We'll see.

I want a faux-fur vest...The blue Gucci 09 F/W collection one specifically tbh...

DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHO I THOUGHT WE WANTED ME TO BE?

Because I fucking blanked.

I get excited, I try to be the person I've always wanted to be...and then it all falls through.

No one seems to want to be a part of it. Then I remember that it's all about me and what I want.

It's still what I want.

But I didn't want it without everyone else.

.271 8/30/09 by Mern featuring Monsoon bags

I'm still just a poser.

Black Students Association

I'm hoping the club joining business works out.

And I'm kind of glad that DJ Eskbn told me about F6. That's tight.

Check out F6 on the web. I was hoping for some fun arty shit to do and this is perfect.

Watch it be 21 and up though.

So I finally ripped a hole in my favorite jeans.

TIME TO GO SHOPPING.

I'm listening to 3OH!3 like a complete loser.

I joined Students for Asian Indian Cultural Awareness, Asian Media Club (AKA Anime Club), Gay Straight Alliance.

I am still considering Interfaith. I just want to be a part of something and make an impact.

AND ABOUT BSA.

I joined the Black Students Association.

NOT TO BE A PUNK.

To help out with their annual fashion show.

I want to see if I can do the makeup or help coordinate accessories/style some.

You know what. I wish people would remember me instead of being awkward.

Maybe I'll just go home. Fuck it. Yeah.

I'll leave you with this.

KANYE AND LUDA

My life is busy right now.

I haven't felt like blogging.

I was almost considering going back to my journal.

I don't know why.

I'm probably going to make a collage soon.

My head isn't cluttered, just overwhelmed.

I have so much stuff going on this week and next week.

All this freedom is...weird.

I hate how people dress here. I know it's college but how can you wear shorts and t-shirts and boat shoes everyday?

I dress a lot nicer than everyone.

A lot of people are actually a little shocked that I go to my 8AMs with makeup and gladiator sandals.

The whole female dorm thing is also beginning to freak me out.

Too many crazy ass bitches and straight up sorrostitutes.

I really love my roommate though :D

I just realized my tweets have been dwindling into schoolwork that no one could give less of a shit about.

ANYWAYS:

Schedule for the weekend.

Friday night movie out on the campus lawn (Angels & Demons)

Saturday the parents come visit and then I'm going home for the night.

Shopping for jeans, more clothes, and...I don't know.

I miss my cat.

And I get jealous superfast.

okay.

I'm out.

I won't take your hand and marry the state

Don't get me wrong...I love it here.

I've made a handful of friends.

I start fasting tomorrow.

I had Blue Mesa for dinner tonight.

I haven't met any guys yet except for two International kids (Apparently they don't count as people because they're "international" [followed by eye-roll]).

I went grocery shopping by myself and for myself for the first time.

That's about it.

Otherwise. I'm good.

My brain feels relatively normal besides the fact that my mother makes me call her every three hours.

I didn't even need to collage today.

If I did- It would have been lots of black leather, studded shoes, and metallic bangles with some Gaspard Ulliel pictures and a stapler with vampire fangs.

My best times so far have been at the library. I even got to meet my friend Ananya who I've been stalking on Facebook for the past two months :]

We're both going to be in the Gay-Straight Alliance together so I'm happy.

I really just want to go to the Activities Fair and go sign up for some shit.

I NEED TO STAY BUSY.

I ALSO THINK I'M GOING TO END UP TAKING A THURSDAY NIGHT CLASS FOR MEDIA.

That's right. 18 hours. and my tuition fund only paid fifteen.

F.U.C.K. them.

All my scans and junk are at home which sucks because that would have distracted me from the fast tomorrow. But I brought my new poetry book for the library: 'Poetry of Byron, Keats, and Shelley".

Don't state the obvious.

I'm exhausted. Thank god for sleep masks.