Hmm

I have this odd aversion to the color pink. Yet when I see it in varying shades together it looks so aesthetically pleasing that I cannot but help myself to want to L.O.V.E. it as many other frivolous members of my gender do.

I'm so scared of not getting into TCU. I'm applying to Baylor, utd, uta, and unt.

I'm scared of Baylor as a place. Southern Baptists are enough to scare the living daylights out of anyone anyways. I should know I hang out with them on an almost daily basis.

Government class was surprisingly easy. It's the same amount of work Dr. Lewis gives us for MEH but in a MUCH shorter timeframe so it seems like a lot. I'm sure I got at least an 85 on my quiz.

I am working on the centerspread with Aya this issue. This is going to be my biggest work for the Quill. Hopefully something I can show off to people. It's just me and her and she's a new reporter so it'll be mainly me doing everything as she is also working on a huge sports piece with Cody.

It's about drinking. I really hope we have enough research and cover all the points. I feel like- whenever I edit my own or anyone else's article- that there is so much more to be covered. I don't understand how The Christian Science Monitor, The New York Times, or The Star Telegram know how much to cover.

Obviously background of your topic. The main topic with the 5 w's. Future plans. Quotes/research from all major and minor sources affected/involved by the topic. ----But what to put at the end? Surely something more?

It's like when I write a piece of fiction. I don't know when to stop writing and often have to come up with a hasty terminal line and come back later and simply keep adding to it rather than ending it.

Poetry is different. That is more emotion based and will end when it "feels done".

I'm going to finish my DD course, start reading the Huffington Post online, start looking up internships with NPR, schedule an interview with TCU, complete my applications, and pass all my classes with High B's as a minimum.

And the South Beach diet is very difficult and I don't know whether it's working or not but I'm seeing how bad people eat and how badly I was eating. I also know when I'm full and don't need to continuously snack all the time like I used to.

BUT I REALLY WANT SOME SUGAR AND BREAD AND FRUIT.

I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING HAVE KETCHUP.

AUGH.

My mom says I've lost weight, but it's only been five days, and I see NO difference. I hate this. If this doesn't work I'm giving up and getting the surgery. I've wasted enough of my life with this.

-Mern

(Determineddddddd)

First day of the last semester forever

And so it begins...

Will it work?

Find me on Polyvore

My entire life...
But how do I put it on the side in a module.
I used to be able to figure these things out...Stupid Media Projects class has completely left my memory. Help?

Hawhawhaw

I am wearing a SCARF.

A plaid one. Pink white and blue. with a black vest.

and a grey shirt and darkwash jeans and black patent leather flats.

Such a hipster.

The way my mother looks at me makes me want to go hide in a corner forever and never come out.

Anyways. I'm becoming more and more obsessed with Harry Potter. AGAIN.

I promised myself I wouldn't, but I just can't help it.
I'm missing the Ghaza rally.

You can't be anti- zionist terrorism without being called anti-semetic. Which is taking the mick.

I wanted to go, but as usual, family has thwarted all plans.

I'mmmm going to listen to Gabriella Cilmi and...do stuff, since they're finally gone.

LOLOLOL

FUNNY HOW BUYING MAKE UP ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP
AND!
I still have another hundred dollar bill.
So I'm buying that Betsey purse.
HAH. HAH. Haaaaaaaaaa.
Suck it.
I need to ask Rumsha if she's giong to Nuri and Pari's party on the third so we can go to together because they are incredibly sketchy people even though they are entertaining.
Um.
I need to buy a new bra.
New makeup brushes.
A charm for my charm bracelet.
Do defensive driving.
New earrings.
AND
Ugg boots.
Because I'm sick of being cold.
I want some.

And I want Victoria Beckham's book. I don't know why I want it. I just feel that I should have it for some reason.
Tomorrow is new year's eve.
2008 SUCKED. 2009 is where it's AT.
WHAT I'VE LEARNED:
Who my friends are? Allie, Tiffini, Arub, Rumsha, Matthew, Blair, and Madeeha.
Money is a panacea.
Fashion is art and art is everywhere.
How to define my own style.
Who I am. (No really)
What I like.
That the individual is autonomous.
My sister> Me in reality, but Me> my sister what everyone pretends.
To voice my opinion.
It's okay to disagree.
To debate honorably.
To lie better.
AND!
That, even though I hate them with a burning passion, my family will always be there to back me up and take care of me.

The end. For now.

Simon Doonan

You spend your whole life waiting for something fantastic to happen.

And then you realize how much you're really worth in the world, how insignificant you are.

But do you accept it and move on OR do you strive to achieve some sort of significance?

Is the former or the latter the right option?

Do you spend the rest of your life worrying about whether you made the right choice?

But how can you accept yourself for what you are? Are we not here to perfect ourselves? Constantly we see eachother trying harder and harder to make ourselves better somehow, change ourselves. I accept this wholeheartedly and have decided the best way to do this is in a completely extreme way that will somehow SOMEHOW result in A) an epiphany of some sort, not necessarily religious, B) confidence, C) Dissasociative identity disorder, D) Happiness, or E) all of the above.

I choose E.

I am so tired of people criticizing me because I don't come up to standard for them. I gossip too much, I talk too much, I complain too much, I wear too much makeup.

But what about those that are telling me these things? Are they perfect? Am I not allowed to complain about them? If we hate so many little things about eachother, than why bother to interact at all?

Social interaction these days...is nihilistic.

My mother said something a few days ago which intrigued me. "You don't need technology when you have magic".

I spend most of my freetime on the computer, eating, texting, reading, or watching. I'm not very hard to entertain really.

But mainly I read. I read alot. I read simplistic fantasy a lot. Children's stories, fairytales, fables, stupid things, etcetera.

I noticed, mainly in Harry Potter and Roald Dahl stories....There was a distinct lack of technology. It was rather nice. All the magic folk lived seperately from the non-magic in the countryside, raising chickens and lighting candles. And they're happy.

We have all of this stuff to compensate for magic, but we are not happy. We including me. How pathetic are we as a human race. Again and again. I don't know what I'm going to say to God.

something along the lines of "Sorry, we suck. And that while we suck all we can think about is how much we suck or what stupid thing we could do to stop sucking".

I'm spouting nonsense. I'm not smart. I couldn't get into the college I wanted to. I can't do anything.

I hate me.

I am a very negative person.

I hate me.

I didn't get in.

My future as I knew it is over.

I will be attending TCU. If I get in there.

And I won't.

Everything I dreamed up in my head is over. The end. Finished. Please insert another quarter.

My parents spent more than a hundred thousand dollars on 13 years of private school and I couldn't get into SMU.

Obviously I failed. I let everyone down. I should be more like Monse. Keep lower expectations, than I'll be happy.

But I know I can't. I have such high expectations for myself. Such huge, high expectations. Because I'm a pthetic, stupid little girl who thinks she's something.

And again I'm nothing.

I will never be appreciated for what I am, different makes you a FREAK- not special, I will never achieve any of my goals, I will always hang on to the edge of mediocrity.

As I have said many times in my life-

There are two types of people in the world: Those who do not deserve anything but work hard and achieve it.

And those who deserve everything but everything works against them so they never achieve anything.

The former is confident and the latter is usually complacent, happy with mediocrity and non-achievement. I foolishly hope and wish that I may have misstaken myself and am one of the former, but I am not.

I have not accepted myself for what I am. A failure.

I am a failure.

A failure with money.

But a failure.

A complete and utter fiasco.