Horchata

Well. I went back and looked at my old myspace....

Same problems, same place, same faces.

HERE'S AN OLD ENTRY I MADE ON THERE:

They say when you hit thirty your life stops. It's like fucking Logan's Run.

They were making fun of Laura today. Luckily I was too hopped on beauty pills to go off on her. Poor girl would have ruined her mascara. My teachers make me out to be some sort of a villian. And then I get home and my mom makes me out to be a villain. I'm always against somebody. And apparently I'm not worth enough to be a protagonist. I don't even think I play a role in anyone else's story let alone mine. Does that mean I don't exist? I hope so. That would make everything a lot easier. I could do as I please...

So I lost my diary. They say you don't really write down what happens to you but really how you react to things. So I fucking lost it. And I think my mom read it. She read my reactions. To stupid things. To boys, Virginia Woolf, and Forever21. That's apparently all I think about. They say you don't know a person until you've read their diary. I guess you can figure out someone by their reactions. I'm shallow...and...bizzarre. I bet I didn't spell that right.

I got into a fight with the art history teacher today. I don't think she actually appreciates her own subject. Like she just got a degree in it to be cool. They say a lot of people don't major in something they actually want to do. Maybe she tricked herself into thinking she enjoyed it so she could trick herself into being cool. Maybe.

I lost my zebra earrings. I liked them a lot. I remember I asked her if she dressed deliberately to contrast the structure of the T-bar heels with the whimsical dot pattern on her blouse. She just laughed at me. Then why does she bother getting dressed?

I finished chapter one of my assassin story. Mr. Shipley sincerely liked it. That means a lot.

I saw a boy with a guitar sitting under a tree,
pretending that he didn't want anyone to see.
And I wanted to smash his guitar in his face,
Just to show him that he had no place,
in my thoughts.
-That goes out to all the 'artists' who like John Mayer.

M.I.A. and I could be twins. I was reading her latest blog. So blatantly anti-mainstream. She fell in though. Oh whatever. She has to make a living...I have to make a name. Hopefully some poor gay guy will take pity on me in college and want to be my friend. Then we can be like Courtney Love and Perez Hilton! How fabulous! I don't know why I can't get along with people. I hate it when people 'accept' me. Like they're doing me a favor. I want them to hate me. HAHAHA like the counselor said. "You make people hate you".

Yes. Well.

I have almost convinced myself that I am a good person.

I have the most amazing friends in the entire world.

I'm a good person who's bad with money.

If I could just let everyone know how much they mean to me....I just I appreciate what I have and I appreciate the people I know.

I'm siting here in the tech center at my university to hide from everyone, but god damn do I feel lonely.

I wrote Gavin a message via facebook that I wanted to post here, just so I can remember it.

Mern Haider May 15 at 2:06am

:(

I know you're all excited to go back home.

But I think I have too many issues with my family.

This is why I promised myself I would never get involved with a boy and was going to be single until my parents just married me off.

It's just too much. I feel I do complain quite a bit and then do nothing about it, but I can't make you or Jacob or any white person understand WHY I do this.

It's a really huge cultural thing, that none of you will ever understand. No matter how hard you all argue that THIS IS AMURRICA or CULTURE DOESN'T MATTER.

It's something I have to put up with and make sure my children will never have to endure.

I just feel so stupid having to explain it or talk about it to my friends, but then again that's why I cherish every friendship I have, whether it's internets, real life, imaginary whatever because you willingly choose to deal with me and all my bullshit and listen and comfort me and care about me.

I can't express to you enough how much I love all of my friends, how much I just love people in general because (just like you Gavin) I want them to love me back and fill up this hole that my family has carved into me. I can cry with people I barely know, spend more money on a sick friend than I would on my sister, skip all my classes and be with someone who just didn't want to be alone, because I really didn't have anyone like that till I got to my senior year of high school.

Because I mean I was born into this family and they're supposed to love me unconditionally and they treat me like I'm a stranger...and you were all strangers and you love me so much when you have absolutely no obligation to.

That's why i don't want to put any of you through all my misery and bitching and complaining because I know I can't deal with it and you can't help so it just worries all of you.

It just helps me to tell people and have someone commiserate with me, but seeing any of you get upset or frustrated over it kills me inside.

it really kills me.

Jacob gets so upset at why I don't just up and leave...he doesn't understand that it really isn't that easy.

They have me whipped. No one can understand unless they were used to this culture.

I mean I've basically almost given up on Islam and I'm starting to hate my own culture more and more.

Jacob said "You don't even like your family, Mern, why are you still there?"

Because I love them?

I don't know.

I said I wish i would have been brainwashed so I could have just been numb and happy with my life instead of miserable and different.

He got upset and won't talk to me.

That hurt. But I understand why he did that. (also again, internets- doesn't matter, I know).

I should be telling all this to Jacob. I know I should.

But I can't. So I'm telling you, because you're the first person I thought of that I could just type this out to.

This really didn't have a point to it really. i just needed to get it off my chest.