8PM- DOOMSDAY

So tired.

I woke up at 12.

Granted I got 8 hours of sleep, but still.

.288 12/30/2009 by Mern on Polyvore.com

WHY?

Well I end the year like this.

Not changed but happy.

That's good right?

Right.

And who knows what tomorrow will bring.

"Who knows where thoughts come from"

Strangeluv

Don't you just feel like vomiting at the thought of the time you wasted being unproductive...the time you wasted not doing something fulfilling.

Solitude has begun to disgust me recently. Mainly because of the internet.

Mainly because I have a tendency to make everyone I meet my new best friend.

Ergo...I dissapoint so many people.

I see it as a parallel to the relationship I have with my parents.

Everyone is simply a resource, a distant familiar face, a laugh here or there.

They used to say I "worshipped" my friends in high school because I had NONE growing up.

But now I don't know.

I'm assigning value systems in my head.

Like a videogame with point targets.

Compliment, hug, high-five= 10 points

Phonecall, lunch, mall date= Level up

Such a disgusting manipulative person.

I realize that I grind my teeth quite a bit.

But to be honest with you, kitty, as I get older...the pathos fades away.

An acquired taste for mediocrity.

WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT?

I may even end up in a small upper middle class colony of white-stucco-and-red-brick two story houses, sending my children for whom I could never connect with to my old school.

My degree plan is mocking me. Slap in the face. It's an exact copy of my lifeplan.

Oh.

Oh I hope...I don't end up telling my poor disconnected children stories about myself from college...encouraging isolation as the best way to stay focused on their predetermined lives.

Kitty

Anne Frank called her diary 'Kitty'.

Then she died.

I think I'd like to get gold hangers for my closet.

After I'm done making my collage for Raven, I'm going to make my own wallpaper and cover every available space in my room.

When I grow up...I'm going to design my house by myself. My bedro

om will be Tudor style, my kitchen and living room will be 1970's art Deco style, and my formal rooms will based on Jackson Pollock paintings and Betsey Johnson jewelry. All the bathrooms will be recreations of speakeasy bars...I want the tile floors to have glitter in them.

Sick Hypnotic

I found these in a book. I almost glittervomited.

Wait till you see what mommy bought me.

XMAS EVE

It's snowing outside.

There is nothing more repulsive than waking up late to snow falling on sodden, rotting roof tiles, painting my garden in different shades of sludge.

Anyways. I'm enjoying another brief period of euphoria. It will end soon. Most likely after Saturday. When reality will stand up, straighten up, and look me in the eye.

I loathe it.

GTFO BITCH. I'm readin poli science

.277 New First Impressions by Mern featuring Marc by Marc Jacobs

And you'll ask yourself...Where is my mind?

.276 Allow me to re-introduce myself by Mern featuring Miu Miu bags

You know how I said you shouldn't have to do graded assignments when studying poetry in school?

I feel like this is the way to go about it.

I don't feel like turning in my soul for a grade.

I'd rather share it with someone else, so I can see theirs.

The point of this one...I suppose...I've been picturing it in my head for a while...

This is how I hope to be re-integrated.

I want to watch Fight Club again with someone who appreciates it as much as I do.

Someone who'll cry with me when we watch it together.

I feel so fake.

All the time.

This is not the right part of me that I wanted to share with everyone. I hope whoever it is I was supposed to find will understand this when I find them.

I miss being able to have Motley Crue and JayZ and Radiosmith in my iTunes. Now I have nothing but Top 40 and Britpop.

Nothing, nothing, nothing....

I'm going to be doing a lot of reading this break. Reading and working out.

What a narcissist.

Just to fuck it up

I found a boy.

I was beginning to think I was asexual.

But I found him.

Now that I've found him.

Life, feel free to to ruin everything.

I'll repeat it.

I found a boy.

Then Life said,

"PSYCHE"