THIS IS A POST ABOUT ROGER

8)

“Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.”

I take everything too seriously.

I am overdramatic.

I care too much about what other people think.

I am incredibly condescending to people because it makes me feel better about myself.

I am a good person.

I care.

I am controlling.

I don't take care of myself.

I am spineless.

I have no self respect.

I am dependent.

I am never content.

"voices to voices,lip to lip

i swear(to noone everyone)constitutes

undying;or whatever this and that petal confutes...

to exist being a peculiar form of sleep

what's beyond logic happens beneath will;

nor can these moments be translated:i say

that even after April

by God there is no excuse for May

-bring forth your flowers and machinery:sculpture and prose

flowers guess and miss

machinery is the more accurate, yes

it delivers the goods,Heaven knows

(yet are we mindful,though not as yet awake,

of ourselves which shout and cling,being

for a little while and which easily break

in spite of the best overseeing)

i mean that the blond abscence of any program

except last and always and first to live

makes unimportant what i and you believe;

not for philosophy does this rose give a damn...

bring on your fireworks,which are a mixed

splendor of piston and of pistil;very well

provided an instant may be fixed

so that it will not rub,like any other pastel.

(While you and i have lips and voices which

are for kissing and to sing with

who cares if some oneyed son for a bitch

invents an instrument to measure Spring with?

each dream nascitur,is not made...)

why then to Hell with that:the other;this,

since the thing perhaps is

to eat flower and not to be afraid."

-E.E. Cummings

Everything is all in place now. The realizations. They have all occurred.

"You're planning something aren't you, you're planning something aren't you? You stupid little girl"

I will need to talk to someone paid enough money to tell me that nothing is my fault and that it will be taken care of. They will hand me a bottle of pretty colors to ingest and ensure nary a bad thought enters my head.

"You haven't met anyone that loves you yet"

I don't know if I love me yet. I'm trying to love me. But I don't think I want to for some reason.

"I sat down.." "And then I realized..." "It was then I figured out..."

Working out, smoking, working on school, being around positive people, being away from negative people.

"You look like a tranny, like a drag queen, why are you everyone's gay best friend?"

Wear what I want to wear and act how I want to act instead of picking out 'Shoulds'

"you're addicted to sleeping pills"

Yes. Yes I am. Sleep is a punishment that I do not deserve.

I WANT TO STOP THROWING UP EVERYTIME I EAT SOMETHING.

"This is what I mean! You should fast all day and then before bed have some soup. That's all you need"

“To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.”

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

You don't know a thing about my sins

The good things are supposed to outweigh the bad things right?

Why can't I think of anything good to say when people ask about you?

I don't know what you are looking for. I don't think you do either.

I'm a scared little girl. I always was and I think I always will be. I want someone to take care of me. I try to grow up and it's the most frightening thing on earth.

This is a terrible thing to say. I should be able to take care of myself, but...

Gah I can hear you in my head "everything you say after the word 'but' is how you really feel".

I have so many excuses, so many reasons, so many stupid emotions that stop me from doing things.

The thing that upsets me the most- the biggest thing for me has always been that I wasn't good enough for my family. So I push myself to be good enough for everyone else.

I have yet to find someone who'll accept me exactly as I am.

I'm not saying I refuse to change and keep my mind open, but I would love to meet one person who thinks I'm just fine the way I am. So I could be enough for one person.

So yes, I do care about what people think about me.

That's what my whole life was about. What other people thought.

I get told I'm pretty, get told I'm smart, get told I'm responsible.

I feel like a monster when I'm around people, I'm just barely booksmart thanks to 13 years of college preparatory school, and the only responsibilities I can handle are the smallest most noncomittal things that I can get away with missing.

Why do I even put up with myself? Because I like that I'm me. I like my personality. I like laughing, smiling at people, making things, seeing things- being a complete shallow girl basically some could say.

I like that I was different, that I wanted different things.

I guess I'd have to agree with them.

I wanted to be single for a really long time with no relationship or hint of a relationship. Until I was in my mid20's truly. I wanted to know that I could be completely alone and do what I could to get by independently, I wanted someone to fall in love with me instead of me fawning all over them all of the time.

I make a fool of myself continuously by opening up to people. I don't trust people at all, I let them see little things so they think they know me but they don't.

Monse is the only person who knows me as well as I do.

People say to be open with everyone and honesty is the best policy? No it isn't. People exist to let you down and judge you as they see fit.

I try to love everyone and be as kind and as positive as I can with them but that doesn't mean I trust them.

I don't really know where I'm going with this to be honest. I don't even talk to you that much kitty. You know how we roll, aphorisms and images- maybe some quotes. Now that no one is reading this I can spill my guts to you.

I am tired of everything currently. There was so much I had planned for myself, but everything was squashed because I kept rebelling. Why did I do that? It was the only way I could retain my dignity I suppose.

I gave up on school, stopped caring about my health, everything just to stick it to my parents.

I grew up wanting to go to Columbia University in New York, to work for magazines, to eventually run my own magazine so I could reach out to those girls who were weird like me and needed to know that there would always be someone who thought being a freak was absolutely wonderful and perfectly acceptable (like how Missbehave and Blender made me feel), I wanted to be more religious, I wanted to show my parents that I could be really independent and still be able to be a perfect daughter.

I guess I messed up by falling in love with Aziz. Why did I do that?

We had so much in common, and he was so sweet. We still talk so much.

He's going to find a really great girl soon and be with her for a while and it's going to absolutely shatter me inside.

But again- that's why you shouldn't trust people or be dependent on them.

I can't write anymore.

Why did I think I could write?

Fiction and poetry? Jacob says they're bullshit, basically. Everything should be real and rational and have a fixed meaning.

Art History and Magazine journalism? More useless frippery.

That I love...so much. So much. With all my heart.

I would rather marry a maga- I would rather BE a magazine....I wrote a poem about it.

They're really beautiful things, no one understands.

I suppose I should put that poem up soon.

Well I know my death will not come
'Til I breathe all the air out my lungs
'Til my final tune is sung
That all is fleeting
Yeah, but all is good
And my love is my whole being
And I've shared what I could
But if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own
Don't break his heart
Yeah if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own
Don't break his heart

Well my heart is bigger than the earth
And though life is what gave it love first
Life is not all that it's worth
'Cause life is fleeting
Yeah, but I love you
And my love surrounds you like an ether
In everything that you do
But if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own
Don't break his heart
Yeah if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own
Don't break his heart
Yeah if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own
Don't break his heart
Yeah if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own
Don't break his heart

Well if you are (what you love)
And you do (what you love)
I will always be the sun and moon to you
And if you share (with your heart)
Yeah, you give (with your heart)
What you share with the world is what it keeps of you

I don't want to be in love with anyone ever again. I never want to do it ever again.

Someone can fall in love with me.

I don't want to be in love with anyone. Ever again.

Dear family,

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I cannot ever express this enough. I give up on reason, empathy, and rebelling.

I'm officially finished with you.

You only exist right now to give me money.

I have absolutely no trust, respect or any sort of connection forthwith.

This is not your fault nor is it mine. I wish I knew whose it was so I could throttle them.

I don't like living in constant state of fear and panic, I don't like that when I hear your voices I start cringing, I don't like falling asleep hearing you discuss the future you have planned for me, I don't care hearing how every other child- how every other person is better than I am, how this isn't the "real" me, how I need to work harder to better than everyone else, how I'm not good enough, how I'm not like you.

I hate:

how you care so much about what everyone thinks,

HOW YOU'VE NEVER SHOWN ME OFF IN YOUR ENTIRE LIVES unless it was to show what a good person YOU were,

HOW YOU'VE TRICKED ALL THE OTHER ASIANS INTO THINKING YOU'RE MORE MODERN AND LIBERAL THAN THEM and then turnaround and tell me that we're OLD MONEY and SO TRADITIONAL because we're BETTER than all those losers,

how every conversation holds implications about my character,

how when you call I stop breathing, when I wake up in the morning the first thing I have to do is find my mother and make sure she is in a good mood or will ALLOW me to do something before I even get out of bed.

How when you finally sit me down and ask what's so wrong, I can't think of anything to tell you because "OH ALL FAMILIES DO THAT, YOU TAKE EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY",

how I can't trust you to the point where I have to lie about just going out to get a cup of coffee,

how I have to act like an FBI agent around you and in my own "home",

how you made me so insecure that I don't even trust people who want me,

how you convinced me that I was so hideous and horrible that the boys that hit on me thought I was easy because I was so ugly and desperate.

I hate:

how you keep trying to raise me as if we're in Pakistan while putting me through an elite American education system,

how you'll allow me to do ridiculous things to impress other people but when it's a personal issue it doesn't matter at all,

how you try to make me believe that everyone is out to get me,

how you try to convince me that you're the only people who love me and care about me,

how you made me stop cutting myself because "people will ask" about my scars,

how you've determined my whole life to fit what your parents couldn't get you to do,

how you wouldn't let me kill myself when I tried to,

how you made me cry so much that I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore.

I want to cry.

I'm sick of choking on emotions. But I can't cry anymore.

I have no tears, only a throbbing pain in my temples.

I try to sometimes because it makes me feel better.

I absorb everything that happens now. I promised I would never let any of you see how much you effect me because I don't want you to know that anything you do or say HAS any effect.

And then I forget about it as soon as possible so I don't have to think about it.

You don't mean anything to me. You are just living ATM machines. You disgust me. I'm never going to forgive you for what you've done. There is no love in my heart for you anymore.

I feel like I'm constantly in competition with all of you and that we judge one another so much it's as if we're all complete strangers.

I just wish that I could cry about this. But I can't. I can't. I can't.

Danka danka danka dirka dirka dirka

:| I went to A-Kon and bought myself cat ears.

Because I fucking wanted some cat ears damn it.

I just remembered ages 13-15.

Wearing System of a Down shirts and listening to Wolf Parade and rocking doorknocker earrings.

I mean...I was so weird and letting the music I listened to define me.

I really liked myself then. I thought I was better than everyone.

Hell...I WAS better than everyone else. Fucking automatons.

.

This whole psyching yourself out thing works wonders.

Also I kind of don't want to go to England.

I need to work.

I I I I I I I I

I've realized I talk about myself too much and don't listen enough.

:(

This must be remedied.

Also I want more cat ears.

It's Blitz

I want to go out and buy the New Order CDs just so I can have the album art as well as the music.

Me and Molly are working on this thing together.

Good things are going to start happening, I can feel it.

But then again....Everything that can go wrong will go wrong.

It's best not to be optimistic and just do what you can.

I think this is just some odd surge of positivity that will begin to wane at the smallest sign of something bad. But I will ride it out for what it's worth.

I think I might be back to my old self again.

I just need to find my green mascara and fake eyelashes with the glitter on them.

Frightening.

Allow me to show you

I hope I'm not the only one that finds the above image incredibly fascinating with much potential for re-interpretation?

So anyways, now that I'm not distracted anymore...

Molly and I are working on our backup plans.

We're looking at apartments but I think her housing might pull through.

If my dad fails to deliver (which is highly likely) then I'm just going for it.

And if it's the Grand Marc then so be it. -___-

I have the money saved and I don't think they'll care once I actually do it.

On another note, I need to get this fucking room fixed up asap and stop consuming so much sugar and caffeine.

Anyways, my IRL friends....

Molly, Sandi, Nicky, Moogy, Kyle, Kim, Katy, Gabby, Todd, Tony, Tiff, Allie, Arub, Aziz, Rumsha, and Erin.

These are people I consider the closest to me and that I'm going to try my best to keep close to me.

And, fuck yeah, I'm lucky to be able to name off so many people.

Anyways, I think i spotted an internship with a publishing company on the school website, so I'm going to look at that.

It's just that I literally have to wait till the last minute for everything due to the people I live with....but yes that will need to happen.

And I'm definitely waiting on a job.

I've turned in ten applications in one month and no calls.

What they don't get is that I will literally be a wage slave for them and work my face off.

Anyways. Things will work out somehow. They always do.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop being an overdramatic defeatist :D