You don't know a thing about my sins

The good things are supposed to outweigh the bad things right?

Why can't I think of anything good to say when people ask about you?

I don't know what you are looking for. I don't think you do either.

I'm a scared little girl. I always was and I think I always will be. I want someone to take care of me. I try to grow up and it's the most frightening thing on earth.

This is a terrible thing to say. I should be able to take care of myself, but...

Gah I can hear you in my head "everything you say after the word 'but' is how you really feel".

I have so many excuses, so many reasons, so many stupid emotions that stop me from doing things.

The thing that upsets me the most- the biggest thing for me has always been that I wasn't good enough for my family. So I push myself to be good enough for everyone else.

I have yet to find someone who'll accept me exactly as I am.

I'm not saying I refuse to change and keep my mind open, but I would love to meet one person who thinks I'm just fine the way I am. So I could be enough for one person.

So yes, I do care about what people think about me.

That's what my whole life was about. What other people thought.

I get told I'm pretty, get told I'm smart, get told I'm responsible.

I feel like a monster when I'm around people, I'm just barely booksmart thanks to 13 years of college preparatory school, and the only responsibilities I can handle are the smallest most noncomittal things that I can get away with missing.

Why do I even put up with myself? Because I like that I'm me. I like my personality. I like laughing, smiling at people, making things, seeing things- being a complete shallow girl basically some could say.

I like that I was different, that I wanted different things.

I guess I'd have to agree with them.

I wanted to be single for a really long time with no relationship or hint of a relationship. Until I was in my mid20's truly. I wanted to know that I could be completely alone and do what I could to get by independently, I wanted someone to fall in love with me instead of me fawning all over them all of the time.

I make a fool of myself continuously by opening up to people. I don't trust people at all, I let them see little things so they think they know me but they don't.

Monse is the only person who knows me as well as I do.

People say to be open with everyone and honesty is the best policy? No it isn't. People exist to let you down and judge you as they see fit.

I try to love everyone and be as kind and as positive as I can with them but that doesn't mean I trust them.

I don't really know where I'm going with this to be honest. I don't even talk to you that much kitty. You know how we roll, aphorisms and images- maybe some quotes. Now that no one is reading this I can spill my guts to you.

I am tired of everything currently. There was so much I had planned for myself, but everything was squashed because I kept rebelling. Why did I do that? It was the only way I could retain my dignity I suppose.

I gave up on school, stopped caring about my health, everything just to stick it to my parents.

I grew up wanting to go to Columbia University in New York, to work for magazines, to eventually run my own magazine so I could reach out to those girls who were weird like me and needed to know that there would always be someone who thought being a freak was absolutely wonderful and perfectly acceptable (like how Missbehave and Blender made me feel), I wanted to be more religious, I wanted to show my parents that I could be really independent and still be able to be a perfect daughter.

I guess I messed up by falling in love with Aziz. Why did I do that?

We had so much in common, and he was so sweet. We still talk so much.

He's going to find a really great girl soon and be with her for a while and it's going to absolutely shatter me inside.

But again- that's why you shouldn't trust people or be dependent on them.

I can't write anymore.

Why did I think I could write?

Fiction and poetry? Jacob says they're bullshit, basically. Everything should be real and rational and have a fixed meaning.

Art History and Magazine journalism? More useless frippery.

That I love...so much. So much. With all my heart.

I would rather marry a maga- I would rather BE a magazine....I wrote a poem about it.

They're really beautiful things, no one understands.

I suppose I should put that poem up soon.

Well I know my death will not come
'Til I breathe all the air out my lungs
'Til my final tune is sung
That all is fleeting
Yeah, but all is good
And my love is my whole being
And I've shared what I could
But if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own
Don't break his heart
Yeah if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own
Don't break his heart

Well my heart is bigger than the earth
And though life is what gave it love first
Life is not all that it's worth
'Cause life is fleeting
Yeah, but I love you
And my love surrounds you like an ether
In everything that you do
But if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own
Don't break his heart
Yeah if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own
Don't break his heart
Yeah if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own
Don't break his heart
Yeah if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own
Don't break his heart

Well if you are (what you love)
And you do (what you love)
I will always be the sun and moon to you
And if you share (with your heart)
Yeah, you give (with your heart)
What you share with the world is what it keeps of you

I don't want to be in love with anyone ever again. I never want to do it ever again.

Someone can fall in love with me.

I don't want to be in love with anyone. Ever again.