LOLOLOL

FUNNY HOW BUYING MAKE UP ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP
AND!
I still have another hundred dollar bill.
So I'm buying that Betsey purse.
HAH. HAH. Haaaaaaaaaa.
Suck it.
I need to ask Rumsha if she's giong to Nuri and Pari's party on the third so we can go to together because they are incredibly sketchy people even though they are entertaining.
Um.
I need to buy a new bra.
New makeup brushes.
A charm for my charm bracelet.
Do defensive driving.
New earrings.
AND
Ugg boots.
Because I'm sick of being cold.
I want some.

And I want Victoria Beckham's book. I don't know why I want it. I just feel that I should have it for some reason.
Tomorrow is new year's eve.
2008 SUCKED. 2009 is where it's AT.
WHAT I'VE LEARNED:
Who my friends are? Allie, Tiffini, Arub, Rumsha, Matthew, Blair, and Madeeha.
Money is a panacea.
Fashion is art and art is everywhere.
How to define my own style.
Who I am. (No really)
What I like.
That the individual is autonomous.
My sister> Me in reality, but Me> my sister what everyone pretends.
To voice my opinion.
It's okay to disagree.
To debate honorably.
To lie better.
AND!
That, even though I hate them with a burning passion, my family will always be there to back me up and take care of me.

The end. For now.

Simon Doonan

You spend your whole life waiting for something fantastic to happen.

And then you realize how much you're really worth in the world, how insignificant you are.

But do you accept it and move on OR do you strive to achieve some sort of significance?

Is the former or the latter the right option?

Do you spend the rest of your life worrying about whether you made the right choice?

But how can you accept yourself for what you are? Are we not here to perfect ourselves? Constantly we see eachother trying harder and harder to make ourselves better somehow, change ourselves. I accept this wholeheartedly and have decided the best way to do this is in a completely extreme way that will somehow SOMEHOW result in A) an epiphany of some sort, not necessarily religious, B) confidence, C) Dissasociative identity disorder, D) Happiness, or E) all of the above.

I choose E.

I am so tired of people criticizing me because I don't come up to standard for them. I gossip too much, I talk too much, I complain too much, I wear too much makeup.

But what about those that are telling me these things? Are they perfect? Am I not allowed to complain about them? If we hate so many little things about eachother, than why bother to interact at all?

Social interaction these days...is nihilistic.

My mother said something a few days ago which intrigued me. "You don't need technology when you have magic".

I spend most of my freetime on the computer, eating, texting, reading, or watching. I'm not very hard to entertain really.

But mainly I read. I read alot. I read simplistic fantasy a lot. Children's stories, fairytales, fables, stupid things, etcetera.

I noticed, mainly in Harry Potter and Roald Dahl stories....There was a distinct lack of technology. It was rather nice. All the magic folk lived seperately from the non-magic in the countryside, raising chickens and lighting candles. And they're happy.

We have all of this stuff to compensate for magic, but we are not happy. We including me. How pathetic are we as a human race. Again and again. I don't know what I'm going to say to God.

something along the lines of "Sorry, we suck. And that while we suck all we can think about is how much we suck or what stupid thing we could do to stop sucking".

I'm spouting nonsense. I'm not smart. I couldn't get into the college I wanted to. I can't do anything.

I hate me.

I am a very negative person.

I hate me.

I didn't get in.

My future as I knew it is over.

I will be attending TCU. If I get in there.

And I won't.

Everything I dreamed up in my head is over. The end. Finished. Please insert another quarter.

My parents spent more than a hundred thousand dollars on 13 years of private school and I couldn't get into SMU.

Obviously I failed. I let everyone down. I should be more like Monse. Keep lower expectations, than I'll be happy.

But I know I can't. I have such high expectations for myself. Such huge, high expectations. Because I'm a pthetic, stupid little girl who thinks she's something.

And again I'm nothing.

I will never be appreciated for what I am, different makes you a FREAK- not special, I will never achieve any of my goals, I will always hang on to the edge of mediocrity.

As I have said many times in my life-

There are two types of people in the world: Those who do not deserve anything but work hard and achieve it.

And those who deserve everything but everything works against them so they never achieve anything.

The former is confident and the latter is usually complacent, happy with mediocrity and non-achievement. I foolishly hope and wish that I may have misstaken myself and am one of the former, but I am not.

I have not accepted myself for what I am. A failure.

I am a failure.

A failure with money.

But a failure.

A complete and utter fiasco.

When my life is going well

I don't feel the need to write it down.

However, where is my SMU letter? It will be sent next week.

THE BASTARDS.

Don't they know how long I've been waiting?

I'm a little frustrated with the communications department.

Do they really think I forced semester in broadcast will make us want to participate and then WANT to major in broadcast?

I want to go to Syracuse. Hahahaha! Today I got asked if I was applying to Leeds University AGAIN Ahahahaha!

Technically if I wanted to go to England for graduate school, I could. I'd prefer to go to Nottingham or in Leeds because I have a house in Nottingham.

Aunty Neelo left me her house in her will and I think she'd give me Uncle Rahman's. They got seperate houses when they divorced.

The reason I don't just fight with my family is because I know I underestimate how much they love me. They love me so much I don't even understand why sometimes...Apparently I was a good kid. I wasn't affected.

Also being the only baby for about 6 years helps.

Still it's weird gonig to England every year and having Sumer shoved aside for once and having just MEMEMEMEMEME on everyone's mind. People come to see me, buy me things, take me out, etcetera.

I want to move there so my kids don't grow up like I did. All isolated from them. I need to be around my family all the time. That being said- Maybe if they grow up around the family...they won't want to be around them when they get married.

All things in moderation?

I'm really supposed to be studying right now. THe French revolution and about 250 years of European history that I Bullshitted my way through the semester without. It's a miracle I'm still passing really. BUT! For once I think I am going to get an A on art history test. Granted it was open book/note. When you stress about something beforehand...you do poorly. Obviously.

I re-read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I really needed to. It was like drinking hot chocolate. I felt really...satisfied and happy when I finished (3 hours was all it took). I will be studying all weekend and not being anxious about anything but my impending doom from SMU. Other than that I will be fine. And seeing Rumsha.

I finally settled all my party plans for the Summer.

Graduation party at Haveli for brown people. Graduation High Tea at some fancy place for school friends. And then a really small 18th birthday party with Jenny, Allie, Tiffini. Maybe Monica and Rumsha. I want to go to Dallas, do something cool, somethign I can remember.

What I did to her was immature and wrong as Monserrat did not fail in telling me, however it did produce the desired effect. I just wanted her to feel that annoyance, that sort of pained panicked feeling when you find out someone just doesn't like you.

And, boy, do I not like her.

Anyways.

IF I GET IN: I'm excited. Off campus and outta sight. Dallas. Zach said SMU is a different world. Sounds like where I wanna be. House of Blues, Nokia Theater, all the clubs, boutiques, Northpark Mall, the Modern Art Museum, the campus itself. It sounds like paradise. A lovely monied world of extravagance smothered in a layer of ominous anxiety DUE TO MY LACK OF A LETTER.

I could go read history. Or I could go read Theodore Dreischer's Sister Carrie or indeed I could do something else.

Strawberry-Kiwi protein water is amazing.

Dry skin

Why am I such a loser?

"Hey mern, why don't you come over? You can pray while we get shitfaced. Save our souls like"

"Well looka there! Is that Miss Mernie? By golly it is. How's the prep school life treatin ya? You goin to the Ivy league soon because you done turned my boy into a nun"

Thanks, Vader. Really.

I don't even pray and can't get into honors college at UNT.

I can't believe he goes to my gym now.

AUGH and so do Jackie and Ally. And all the Martin cheerleaders. and my neighbor. AUGHAUGHAUGH.

But Zach is nice, he's a great trainer and really cute.

It was nice. Someone saved me a seat in MEH. Someone called to me because I was walking alone in the hallway. Such minor things but they made me feel spectacular. No one ever does that for me.

I canceled with Madeliene and rescehduled for the saturday after finals that way I'll have more money and more time to study.

God damn am I tired. I have to edit this story and save, then I can sleep. I hate naps. They throw me off.

I'm having dinner with Allie tomorrow. I'm happy because dieting sucks assmar.

I was reading my old xanga entries...how did I have friends?

Anyways. I'll put up my Found poem here tomorrow. It's good.

dhkasjb

I really REALLY like Muse. They are amazing. I want to dance to them at my wedding, I like them that much. I don't think you can dance at Pakistani weddings, however.

I love AP MEH so much. Blair and I studied all the right stuff. Stupid idiot Blair. The fucking Dean of admissions of TCU hand-delivered his acceptance letter to his house. Lucky prick.

He wouldn't stop showing off about it...

After school was fun though. Mono, Maddie, Blair, Erin and I were trying to finish the stupid 30 point essay Doctor Lewis gave on the test and he wouldn't stop talking. Or dancing. Or frollicking. I just ended up writing a three sentence thesis and writing down literally everything that happened in the War of Austrian Succesion and the Seven Years War. Which was a bitch but I did it in less than two pages. BAMF.

I don't know if I respect Maria Therese as much anymore. As a ruler of course, she is amazing but as a person- no.

Huh.

I don't know about AP Art History anymore. I thought I'd love it but the tests are just so weird. I'm not good with structured formal writing. I write my history papers in the vernacular and my English papers sound like... well I like to imagine they sound good.

Did I mention I like Muse? Because I do.

Everyone's getting their acceptance letters and it's making me nervous. TCU emailed me to tell me they are now considering my application and I have two weeks to hear back from SMU.

I am also old now. I can't keep up with anything but myself.

It's weird how much missing all my music is affecting me. I could pick any song to match my mood, I had some recorded live exclusive shit, I had my life's experiences in there. Now I'm just trying to re-get everything. Like I just got back all my Feist. :[

I don't really like this thing. It's more social. I keep my mind in the pages of my journal this is more...prosaic. Everyday emotions, things that I can put in a jar and store away in the pantry with the other little bottles of past states of self.

I'm excited about writing my Found poem. I feel Shipley anticiaptes what we're doing in Lit class so he plans around it.

I'm getting ready to give up my free first period for Imaginative Writing (That most precious of all things to me) with Samuel Tall.

Oh dear.

I like how just because I didn't talk to my mom for a couple of hours on Monday she thinks I'm flighty. Really. She said that. Fuck her man. I'm outta here in a while. I hate the noise of tutting. I want to smash a wall in half when I hear it.

Also...I'm the one who cut the straps on your bag with scissors.

Jealousy is a disease, bitch. Get better soon!

:D

Oh me, oh my

Things are looking up for the first time in a very long time.

But I don't want these promises to be empty like the others.

I'm hoping with all my might.

I can never finish my homework.

Even if I fail AP MEH, I will be proud of myself for absorbing that much information. It is one of the most challenging course I have ever taken and I feel so enlightened and happy there with all the intelligent people. I need to spend more time with smart people.

Tomorrow I will do something very immature and childish that I will probably regret but also secretly be proud of because I am dumb. Luckily I don't have to go to the gym.

Sometimes I don't get why Rumaisa or anyone likes me or wants to talk to me, but they do. Or why random people I don't feel I'm close to will tell me that they had an abortion, went to jail, or failed a year of school due to steroid use, but they do. I don't know why. Is there something about me that even I, keenest of observers, have failed to notice? Is this something I can use to my advantage? So far I have not abused this...But abuse and advantage are two very different things.

Right now I'll think of it as an honor.

I appreciate that people trust me.

But it makes me think...Do I have anything to offer in return?

Or are my ears and non-judgement enough?

Really

What's the point? Vas ist der point as Kamran would say. We're watching a Charlie Brown Christmas and I'm sick at looking at how busy and glamorous everyone is being. I want to be busy and glamorous. That's my fucking job god damn it.

I need to shake things up a little. But I should focus on my grades. I really gotta do that man. And pay my application fee for TCU. That too man. But I think I'm going to go to Target tomorrow and get the hair dye. I mean it. My hair is going to be purple for 6-8 weeks. Again. It looked beautiful when I did the first two times and it'll look good now. I will also attempt to lose 298733 pounds. Then I will learn to fly.

God I hate myself right now. I need to torture myself more.

Dance

WE WENT SHOPPING.
I didn't buy anything. I have $120 saved up and I intend to have that amount on Friday/Saturday when Madeliene and I go shopping at Northpark. I don't know what to get for these people. I don't celebrate Christmas myself...That would be Eid.
I really was only going to get ten dollar starbucks cards for Allie and Tiffini. So there's twenty gone. And then...I guess I have to buy Madeliene something because she's shopping with me, but I'll spend on myself for once. Ever since I got rid of Laura and all them, my life has gotten so much cheaper and stress free.
I think I'll go to the Juicy boutique and buy myself a necklace or up to Metropark and buy myself those gold Betsey hoops. Really, that's all I want. And a Disney Couture by Kidada wrap bracelet. The end.

Oh. Wait. They have a Marc Jacobs store and BCBG might be having a sale. And then I can just sort of walk into Barneys and drool all over the window display.
Of course, Maddie will be buying everything she can. I showed her some Lorraine Schwartz necklaces for $8,000 and she just stuck a sticker on the page they were in the Neiman Marcus catalog and moved on. It must be nice to be a surgeon's daughter...and looking like a model helps as well. I like that girl.

Tomorrow is Sunday School. There's almost no point in going anymore. I feel like I've learned everything there is to know about God and now I'm not allowed to go out for lunch with Rumsha. Sad really.
I have to write a 1500 word story from point of view of the opposite gender, compare Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead! to Waiting for Godot, and then read about 200 pages of European history. What is the point of this break? What is the point of anything?
The parties all got cancelled for tonight and I'm once again stuck with nothing to do. I will probably end up babysitting the sister or trying to entertain my cousin. I've run out of stuff to do. My aunt asked me what I did for fun and I said I went to Borders. Obviously I'm not the fun one in the family.

Do you ever feel like there's a billion different roles you're playing in life? There's school you, parents you, friends you, tourist you, etcetera. But what is the real you? I am trying to figure this out. I feel like you spend most of your life trying to fit in so much with different people that you loose sight of what is actually you and what you want yourself to be.
I say I like fashion. I read up on it's history, understand fabrics, enjoy how it can turn you into something else, the whole 'scene' of it.
But when dressing myself...I feel as if I don't care that much. Does that mean I hate it? I care about my appearance not necessarily the whole process of 'getting ready'. And what exactly are we getting ready for? Going out? Yes, but for who?
I don't know. This is why I got a Polyvore. So I could figure some of that out. A place where there are no reasons, just clothes. Even there I need to impress or have boxed myself in through RPG or stye contests.
Same with the music community. That's why I had to drop out of the street teams I was in. We weren't united by music anymore...it was all about who was getting more publicity, whether it was for the band or just themselves.

Oh well.
I'm going to go waste time. I wanted a Polyvore gadget but they don't work. If someone could help me?

The first one.

I like things to be centered.

This is just another opportunity for me to waste more time on the computer.

I feel like I needed one of these, so I got one. I wanted somewhere to be myself that wasn't a diary. Notice how many times I use the word 'I'.

Self-obsessed moron that I am.

I'm tired. I'll do this tomorrow.

I should be asleep.