8PM- DOOMSDAY

So tired.

I woke up at 12.

Granted I got 8 hours of sleep, but still.

.288 12/30/2009 by Mern on Polyvore.com

WHY?

Well I end the year like this.

Not changed but happy.

That's good right?

Right.

And who knows what tomorrow will bring.

"Who knows where thoughts come from"

Strangeluv

Don't you just feel like vomiting at the thought of the time you wasted being unproductive...the time you wasted not doing something fulfilling.

Solitude has begun to disgust me recently. Mainly because of the internet.

Mainly because I have a tendency to make everyone I meet my new best friend.

Ergo...I dissapoint so many people.

I see it as a parallel to the relationship I have with my parents.

Everyone is simply a resource, a distant familiar face, a laugh here or there.

They used to say I "worshipped" my friends in high school because I had NONE growing up.

But now I don't know.

I'm assigning value systems in my head.

Like a videogame with point targets.

Compliment, hug, high-five= 10 points

Phonecall, lunch, mall date= Level up

Such a disgusting manipulative person.

I realize that I grind my teeth quite a bit.

But to be honest with you, kitty, as I get older...the pathos fades away.

An acquired taste for mediocrity.

WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT?

I may even end up in a small upper middle class colony of white-stucco-and-red-brick two story houses, sending my children for whom I could never connect with to my old school.

My degree plan is mocking me. Slap in the face. It's an exact copy of my lifeplan.

Oh.

Oh I hope...I don't end up telling my poor disconnected children stories about myself from college...encouraging isolation as the best way to stay focused on their predetermined lives.

Kitty

Anne Frank called her diary 'Kitty'.

Then she died.

I think I'd like to get gold hangers for my closet.

After I'm done making my collage for Raven, I'm going to make my own wallpaper and cover every available space in my room.

When I grow up...I'm going to design my house by myself. My bedro

om will be Tudor style, my kitchen and living room will be 1970's art Deco style, and my formal rooms will based on Jackson Pollock paintings and Betsey Johnson jewelry. All the bathrooms will be recreations of speakeasy bars...I want the tile floors to have glitter in them.

Sick Hypnotic

I found these in a book. I almost glittervomited.

Wait till you see what mommy bought me.

XMAS EVE

It's snowing outside.

There is nothing more repulsive than waking up late to snow falling on sodden, rotting roof tiles, painting my garden in different shades of sludge.

Anyways. I'm enjoying another brief period of euphoria. It will end soon. Most likely after Saturday. When reality will stand up, straighten up, and look me in the eye.

I loathe it.

GTFO BITCH. I'm readin poli science

.277 New First Impressions by Mern featuring Marc by Marc Jacobs

And you'll ask yourself...Where is my mind?

.276 Allow me to re-introduce myself by Mern featuring Miu Miu bags

You know how I said you shouldn't have to do graded assignments when studying poetry in school?

I feel like this is the way to go about it.

I don't feel like turning in my soul for a grade.

I'd rather share it with someone else, so I can see theirs.

The point of this one...I suppose...I've been picturing it in my head for a while...

This is how I hope to be re-integrated.

I want to watch Fight Club again with someone who appreciates it as much as I do.

Someone who'll cry with me when we watch it together.

I feel so fake.

All the time.

This is not the right part of me that I wanted to share with everyone. I hope whoever it is I was supposed to find will understand this when I find them.

I miss being able to have Motley Crue and JayZ and Radiosmith in my iTunes. Now I have nothing but Top 40 and Britpop.

Nothing, nothing, nothing....

I'm going to be doing a lot of reading this break. Reading and working out.

What a narcissist.

Just to fuck it up

I found a boy.

I was beginning to think I was asexual.

But I found him.

Now that I've found him.

Life, feel free to to ruin everything.

I'll repeat it.

I found a boy.

Then Life said,

"PSYCHE"

Is this really love?

Optimus Prime officially commences tomorrow.

Who knows.

I wonder what it feels like to get hit with acid.

BEFORE YOU GET TOO IMPRESSED WITH ME

AHEM.

Monday

Medieval Art

9-11:50AM

Elementary Statistics

2-2:50

Mass Media

6-7:20PM

Tuesday

International Politics

11-12:20

Biology Lecture

12:30-1:20

Wednesday

Elementary Statistics

2-2:50

Media Writing and Editing II

6-8:20PM

Thursday:

International Politics

11-12:20

Biology Lecture

12:30-1:20

Biology Lab

3:00-4:50

Friday

Elementary Statistics

2-2:50

I like this version a little better to be honest even though I did want my Fridays off. I'm a big fan of the whole time thing. I don't mind waking up on Monday mornings for a 3 hour Art History class :D but the other days make time for me to sleep in. I've got 2 classes for each of my degrees and all of them including my biology class satisfy core requirements.

I have class in about 3 hours. I think I'll just stay up. Then I can nap until 11. Go to the cafeteria at 12. Mass comm at 12:30 (For the first time in a week/we're studying music/ it's the last class of the day before break for 200 communications majors) = I DESERVE AN AWARD FOR GOING.

and then at 2 Alexandra and Tiffini come to TCU to see my room and stuffs. And then at 5 I register for the aforementioned schedule. Which is not what I hoped it would be before but it is still good as it makes room for my nightly anxiety attacks/random bouts of insomnia.

I think i've put on about 5-10 pounds since the first two months of school. I can't stop eating. Like I'm so bored, that eating is just something TO DO. Because all of my friends are broke.

MoneyIsLikeADrug. You spend and you get happy, it's like a REALLY CHEAP SHITTY THRILL. But once you throw away the reciept, your life is meaningless again. Online shopping is then essentially where it's at. Because there's that waiting period in between that actual purchase during which you're filled with a sense of inexplicable euphoric anticipation. And then you take what you bought out of the box and it's over again. Sometimes you wanna dig around in there to check if they left you anything extra like it's a fucking stocking or some shit like that. I used to like saving money and then I realized that it was the only thing I had that TRULY gave me any sense of empowerment. Empowerment? Let's use that word. Maniacal feeling of triumph over stupid mainstream culture.

The girls here aren't girly or spontaneous enough, the boys here aren't friendly or cool enough.

This place is like the PERFECT FUCKING LITTLE LATTICE PIE CRUST over a shit filling of canned puree pumpkin. Like the rest of North Texas.

I have to go back to my house for the rest of the week. Do not want. There's a shit ton of construction going on and it's a fucking nightmare trying to get out through the discarded roof shingles that crunch under your boots like glass, the rusty nails threatening to bite through your itching skin. It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it.

A lot of friends, crunches, videogames, and family. I don't mind. I'm also going to brush up on my French and start learning some Russian.

dirkadirkadirka AND THERE'S TONS OF BIGOTS HERE dirkadirkadirka

I bought the soundtrack to The Invisible. It was a terrible movie. But the soundtrack was a 2007 SPIN editor's wet dream...

I'll love you till you're queasy

So I was thinking about things.

Optimus Prime will BE IN EFFECT ON DECEMBER 1.

That's why it didn't work.

I was supposed to check it each month.

I suffer from chronic fatigue, moderate depression, social anxiety disorder, and mild insomnia.

ILikeAllTheNamesForTheThingsThatAreWrongWithMe.

It gives me a feeling of significance.

Pathetic really.

PHOTOGRAPHY.

I've been looking at it for a couple of days.

It really is something.

She's amazing.

I'm gonna skype Karl and watch Sherlock Holmes movies with him.

I also went to an anime convention over the weekend.

I'm trying to find illustrations.

Visual interpretations.

There's a Tim Burton retrospective at the MOMA in NYC. Which I will never see.

Because I'm a free bitch baby

"You and I could waste away somewhere nice"

Is it so hard to find someone to be meaningless with?

Someone to suffer from solipsism with?

You can't run from it forever.

"That old saying,

how you always hurt

the one you love?

Well,

it works both

ways."

We're gonna diary it up today.

So.

Let me tell you some things.

Friday. I basically stayed up all night and have no recollection of anything else.

I then got dressed at 8:30 and then it took me about half an hour to walk a mile across campus to get to my advisor's office.

He works out of a dilapidated house because they haven't finished adding his office to the Communications office.

His name is Dr. Stewart. He's dank as fuck. He majored in Journalism and then took his ass to law school which he didn't like so he ended up teaching journalism.

....

I also am a journalism major who will be going to Law School and not liking it. So...mentor?

He also fully encouraged me to look into periodical design and told me to get an internship this summer.

Our meeting went well and my predicted schedule is this:

Monday

Medieval Art

9-11:50AM

Mass Media

6-7:20PM

Tuesday

Intro to Political Theory

9:30-10:50

Elementary Statistics

11-12:20

Biology Lecture

12:30-1:20

Wednesday

Media Writing and Editing II

6-8:20PM

Thursday:

Intro to Political Theory

9:30-10:50

Elementary Statistics

11-12:20

Biology Lecture

12:30-1:20

Biology Lab

3:00-4:50

Friday

NOTHING

16 hours total. Taking classes that I actually like. Good timing.

AFTER THAT, I went back to my dorm and passed out in bed. I woke up roughly four hours later to Sidra calling my cellphone and asking if I wanted to join her at Panera for lunch to which I agreed. So After a bowl of macaroni and half a turkey sandwich, I got back to campus. Went to Waits Hall, studied for about twenty minutes. Got bored went to look for Kim in the cafeteria. She ditched me to go watch Repo! The Genetic fucking Opera for the 20398034th time instead of working on our 6 page paper with me.I went back to my dorm at this point and took a two hour nap and a shower and then waited for her to call me.

Never happened. So I cried. Like a pansy. I cried. Yes. I have emotions. That I hate having. I have them. I ended up sitting with Meheret and Angela in the office for an hour and talking to Ashley until 1. By this time my head was pounding so I just sat down and rested. Consider this- I'm awake, but I'm too tired to do anything that involves thinking. So being the useless piece of failure that I am, I call Chris Waits. At 2:30. I was scared I woke him up but he just calmed me down and talked to me for an hour and helped me write my professor an email.He told me to go to bed around 3AM.

Instead I lay in my bed and stared at the celling until about 7:30 AM. Now I'm fucked. I have a Muslim Students Association event at 3PM-6PM and then Mela from 7-10PM. I have a 250 page book to be read by Monday with a 500 word essay due with it. I also requested an extension for the aforementioned 6page paper until Sunday night. And Sunday is the only day I can see Tiffini.

Anyways.

What I've decided is that people aren't worth my time unless they make time for me. I hate being forgotten about. I HATE IT.

And I need to get rid of all this stress. I need to fix optimus prime, I need to get my nails done, I need a massage, I need to sleep. I've been staying up all night and taking four hour naps once a day. I'm making it to all my classed and taking notes and studying but I can't get any writing done. I'm too fatigued.

Now that this novel is over. Let's get back to the regularly scheduled program.

Hug me

.275 I missed myself by Mern featuring Nanette Lepore dresses

DAS SPIEL

I need to stop buying photography books.

Ay Ansel Adams, I'ma let you photograph in black and white but Irving Penn was the best black and white photographer evarrr yo.

Btw Yinka Shonibare is blowing my fucking mind with 'A Masked Ball'.

Someone had better get their ass to the Dallas Museum with me to go see that shit.

The costumes are electrifying.

LOLWUT GUH U BE LOOKIN ANDROGYNOUS

K.

There's been too much 4chan, nintendo, manga, easymac, gay clubbing, and talking politics since I've been in college. That about sums it up for me.

MERN'S FINAL DECLARATION OF EDUMACATION:

Bachelors of Science in News-Editorial Writing with Magazine Emphasis

Minor in Art History

Minor in Political Science

Someone tried to tell me Ronald Reagan was badass today. That same person almost got run over by a car a few weeks ago and then stopped believing in God.

Don't be stingy with your bullets, always double tap

I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I have absolutely no grasp on it.

I try to control small things like my weight and studying but it's almost like a waste of time.

I'm not a laidback person. This is killing me.

I crave structure.

Every aforementioned sentence in this entry began with "I".

Now this:

"I" am such a worthless piece of shit.

Do people have a stronger emotional response when reading literature or when seeing visual art?

THE FORMER:

I have never been more captivated by a painting before in my life.

I used to hate art because I can't draw.

Then I saw this.

I saw this and I wanted to create things.

I saw this and it moved me to productivity.

I saw this and I wanted to BE it.

It was perfection. Harmony.

Yes. 'Composition with Red, Blue, and Yellow' is one of my favorite works.

After reading the LATTER, I could not sleep. My mind had been jumpstarted.

This resulted into a moderate addiction to sleeping pills, depression, and some momentary atheism.

It still boggles my mind even today and I realize how weak and mediocre my mind is in that I still cannot fully grasp just how amazing this book is.

I wear a lot of gray. And I fear that I may have developed a personal style.

I was laughing at you for two minutes straight

Never going to try to go out of my comfort zone again.

But today is a good day, I know who I am, what I want, and where I'm going...sort of.

SO.

Tried going to F6 yesterday and got scared shitless because the directions were whack as fuck.

Ended up in a scary as hell trailer park.

Forgot the place was a warehouse...

I've been using Twitter as a diary and I realized that shit don't work that way.

I should probably go get dressed for lunch.

I want to fast today. But oh well.

I also have a knack for picking out boys with personality disorders and the normal ones turn out to be...weird.

Well, after last night, I thought it fitting to listen to Amy Winehouse...I really wish I had an older brother.

Bring down the block

I'm a big Mexican fail.

I've started praying a lot for some weird reason. I feel like God gives a shit about me.

Pathetic, ungrateful weed that I am.

It's probably not healthy when you start having dreams about shoes right?

Must be the cheese.

And I keep listening to Kid Cudi before I sleep :/

Whatever. I just want boots and platform heels.

College is going a hell of a lot better than expected though I am expecting to get kicked in the ass by my classes. I've skipped political science twice this week and I only show up to history class when I have a quiz.

I'm supposed to be studying right now actually.

Fuck that.

I'm going to collage this weekend if it kills me.

I should probably mention my weekend.

Saturday night I will spend 5 hours at a house of someone who hates me and my family where I will not eat anything or dance at all.

Instead of the football game.

Followed by a 7AM wakeup call to get dressed as best as possible for Eid-Al-Fitr prayer at mosque followed by lunch with Sidra's family.

And then...

I have to go back to TCU to "study"

Which means I'm getting dressed and going with Lark to the GSA dinner in Dallas and then S4.

:]

I'm kind of getting sick of computers. I may go back to my journal. We'll see.

I want a faux-fur vest...The blue Gucci 09 F/W collection one specifically tbh...

DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHO I THOUGHT WE WANTED ME TO BE?

Because I fucking blanked.

I get excited, I try to be the person I've always wanted to be...and then it all falls through.

No one seems to want to be a part of it. Then I remember that it's all about me and what I want.

It's still what I want.

But I didn't want it without everyone else.

.271 8/30/09 by Mern featuring Monsoon bags

I'm still just a poser.

Black Students Association

I'm hoping the club joining business works out.

And I'm kind of glad that DJ Eskbn told me about F6. That's tight.

Check out F6 on the web. I was hoping for some fun arty shit to do and this is perfect.

Watch it be 21 and up though.

So I finally ripped a hole in my favorite jeans.

TIME TO GO SHOPPING.

I'm listening to 3OH!3 like a complete loser.

I joined Students for Asian Indian Cultural Awareness, Asian Media Club (AKA Anime Club), Gay Straight Alliance.

I am still considering Interfaith. I just want to be a part of something and make an impact.

AND ABOUT BSA.

I joined the Black Students Association.

NOT TO BE A PUNK.

To help out with their annual fashion show.

I want to see if I can do the makeup or help coordinate accessories/style some.

You know what. I wish people would remember me instead of being awkward.

Maybe I'll just go home. Fuck it. Yeah.

I'll leave you with this.

KANYE AND LUDA

My life is busy right now.

I haven't felt like blogging.

I was almost considering going back to my journal.

I don't know why.

I'm probably going to make a collage soon.

My head isn't cluttered, just overwhelmed.

I have so much stuff going on this week and next week.

All this freedom is...weird.

I hate how people dress here. I know it's college but how can you wear shorts and t-shirts and boat shoes everyday?

I dress a lot nicer than everyone.

A lot of people are actually a little shocked that I go to my 8AMs with makeup and gladiator sandals.

The whole female dorm thing is also beginning to freak me out.

Too many crazy ass bitches and straight up sorrostitutes.

I really love my roommate though :D

I just realized my tweets have been dwindling into schoolwork that no one could give less of a shit about.

ANYWAYS:

Schedule for the weekend.

Friday night movie out on the campus lawn (Angels & Demons)

Saturday the parents come visit and then I'm going home for the night.

Shopping for jeans, more clothes, and...I don't know.

I miss my cat.

And I get jealous superfast.

okay.

I'm out.