Hijomalind

I feel like a kite.

And you are the wind.

Where are you going to take me?

Royksopp Forever

I wish I could feel really alive. Like I do when I'm out at night.
CAN WE GET A TIME MACHINE IN HERE?

Fresh dew on bare feet is the most wonderful feeling in the world or breezes that lift your hair up off your shoulders.


Anything is better than being around people.
Anything.

My mouth tastes like sleeping pills

I've absolutely given up on my grades.

I don't care about anything but looking nice and staying out.

Goodtimesgoodtimesgoodtimes.

Iwanttobewithpeopleanddothingsthatmakemefeelbeautifulthissummer

Lancet windows make everything better. Hopefully, France will be an option this summer. As pretentious and tiring as it was, I thoroughly enjoyed it. There are so many things I haven't seen- nay, experienced. The Louvre for one thing.

I think I will have to go back one day by myself.

"By myself".

Pfft.

A LIST:

Go to the DMA with Erin

Drive around Keller with Rumsha with the top down and R&B blasting

Frozen yoghurt.

Shopping with Allie and Tiffy.

Going to movies.

Learning Illustrator.

Finishing two collages.

Collecting more rings and buying that Dean Koons book.

TAKING PICTURES OF EVERYTHING.

I've forgotten how to write. I can't write anymore.

Thinking in lyrics and aphorisms, everything is disjointed.

Finals are coming up.

Why bother?

I'd rather look at things.

I just want to look at things and see things and let them put some feeling in me.

Tarik Mikou

Oh you.

You're getting under my skin.

You're going to make me short circuit.

And I think you know it.

I have a huge crush on Sid Vicious

Hands up if you remember this editorial :3

I know I do. Because I have it open next to me.

"Take all your problems
And rip 'em apart

Carry them off
In a shopping cart

And another thing
You should've known from the start
The problems in hand
Are lighter than at heart

Be like the squirrel, girl
Be like the squirrel
Give it a whirl, girl
Be like the squirrel

And another thing
You have to know in this world
Cut up your hair
Straighten your curls

Well, your problems
Hide in your curls"

The thunder is so loud that I can feel it.

I love it.

My prose is steadily getting better. Specifically my fiction.

I need to keep getting manicures.

They just make everything better.

Just like how thunderstorms make everything sexier.

Heaven knows how many books I haven't read yet.

Heaven knows what I should be reading.

I should go ask Heaven sometime soon.

Who said I wanted to anyway?

A.J. Purdy

Micah Lidberg

HOLY SHIT

I get asked why I don't feel much.

I do.

I feel more than I breathe.

I am a human being after all.

But I just repress my feelings. It's a cycle I go through.

After a while I explode- it's disgusting.

It happened this February through March.

I want to go back to first semester and tell myself that it is okay to be attracted to people,

that it is okay to cry and complain until your voice gives out,

that it is okay to WANTWANTWANT someone to tell you that you were beautiful,

that it is okay to think about someone so much that you can't sleep.

JUST SO I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD THAT AMAZING EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN THAT I HAD RIGHT BEFORE SPRING BREAK THAT RUINED EVERYTHING.

But why think about things that are eventually going to make you unhappy, make you miserable in the process?

They say "Happiness is a journey" right?

I have it engraved on a bracelet that I wear everyday.

I have absolutely no right to start that "journey"

until A) I deserve to and B) I trust myself to.

This decision was made long ago.

I feel like I'm trying to reach some sort of enlightenment in my life. No idea as to what is yet. But I guess I'll tell you when I find out, Kitty.

A lot of people tell me I should just quit what I'm doing and go do what will make me happy?

What do I want to do?

Go back to England, take pictures of cathedrals, eat lunch at the TATE everyday, have four cats, go out with friends to pretentious clubs, and then listen to the Beastie Boys and Four Tet while I'm at work designing for Lula.

Who are we kidding?

I think i'll just go look at more graphic design blogs and feel like shit while I read QC.

"I wonder what Weird Al is doing right now? Probably playing polka or something..."

-Nicholas Joseph Whewell.

Quote of the week.

Art imitating life imitating art

Mirando

I remember when you used to tell me I was beautiful.

I woke up each morning,

dead,

until I heard your voice.

I couldn't function properly if I didn't hear you laugh,

if I couldn't make you smile.

Each day was the best day of my life.

Antes de/Despues de

Remember the letters you used to write to yourself?

You used to hide them places.

And then you never read them.

You used to think up brilliant things and never put them down on paper.

Now you're just another prosaic little automaton.

You got here fast

But nothing will ever beat the feeling of the steady rhythm of a pen against paper.

Or the drum of the beat of my brain against my skull.

I realize that I have lost all my creativity. The internet has sapped me of it.

Words, words, words.

I wonder what thoughts would sound like. Popping noises, I imagine.

Sudden, obvious realizations would sound like muffled thuds.

Moments of pure joy can be silence.

I'm working on a collage with a surrealist theme. I wish I could go see some of Jeff Koons work in person. I really need it right now.

But obviously it will be nothing like this:

Sigh.

Anyways.

It will be more like this

ilu dadaist collage. You always make me feel better because you have absolutely no point.

Juuuust like my life :|

I've realized that everything I need to continue in the vein of last year.

Complete disassociation is necessary. I cannot run from things by throwing myself into work.

The only way to run from things is to literally get up and run away.

Leave.

And that is what I'm going to try to do, kitty.

I can't seem to stop wanting to live through other people and appreciate my own life.

Is this why I have such bad dreams and wake up in the middle of the night all the time?

Kitty, I have never felt such a strong desire to be a ghost.

Present but non-existent.

I think I have lived a long enough time in my almost 19 years

and experienced enough things

to where I don't really want to feel anymore

there are things that I obviously have no idea about...

I don't care.

It's not about bad feelings or good feelings.

It's not about being sad or happy.

I want to be kind of hollow.

I want to float away on clouds of apathy and listen to music without words.

The worst feeling in the world is hearing someone say something positive

and not being able to bring yourself to agree with them.

You wish you could believe it but you can't.

I hate everything about my personality.

I'll attempt to be supportive of it and accept it

but then people enjoy so much to point out the obvious, don't they?

I don't like all these words, kitty.

We never talked this much before.

We used images

and some phrases.

Some people are so vacuous and petty,

they do not deserve to use words.

Those people,

they go to bookstores

to let the words of others

define them

just like everyone else.

Stella

SELF-DEPRECATION!

WOOOOO!

And I'm going to sign up for more needless stuff to be done to my body!

I'm so exited.

I just want to hide in a corner with my headphones on and watch the world go by.

Oh good.

At least now I'm functioning properly.

I just needed a day out with people who I genuinely care about.

That was absolutely wonderful.

Tumblr and 4chan have completely poisoned my brain.

So much work that needs to be done and all I can focus on is self-deprecation.

I cannot wait to move back onto campus.

Then:

-Sleeping in random people's rooms when they're not even there

-Ol' South when we're depressed for no reason

-Rockband and sleepovers at my house when my parents are out of town

-Hookah EVERY week

-Rocky Horror

-STUDY PARTIES WITH TJ

-N64 and pool in the tech center at midnight

-running around the music building with Molly at 1 in the morning

-mid-afternoon fire alarms

-waking up fifteen minutes before class

- Having some goddamn privacy

- and of course, the 3AM 'HOLY SHIT WE NEED TO GET THE FUCK OFF THIS CAMPUS' adventures.

I think the best time I had was finals week, oddly enough.

Going with Kyle and Maggie to Arlington to feed the ducks in my backyard at 2 in the morning followed by iHop till 5AM and then "Studying" with Katy, watching Silent Hill in my room and eating kebabs, saving Molly from a drug dealer, smoking with Nick and Kim, and then the epic Vampire Chronicles/sleepinrandombuildingsoncampus night followed by breakfast with Maggie and Austin.

It was a good first semester. This semester not so much. So I think next semester will be even better than the first.

It had better.

Or I'll choke a bitch.

Dearest Mern,

.......................

OH mern.

Oh MERN.

Oh mern, mern, mern, mern,

MERN.

What on Earth have you done to yourself?

You've given up again, haven't you?

"The girl who lives there used to be a charming,

lovely girl, but she's lost faith in herself. She's a

monster! She's infectious human waste! Good luck trying

to save her!"

You were better off back when you used your real name and read the dictionary

every night before bed.

Still disappointing but at least there was less to be disappointed about.

"The girl is infectious human waste,

and she's confused

and afraid to commit to the wrong thing

and so she won't commit to anything."

DID YOU EVER STOP AND REALIZE THAT YOU WERE NEVER GOING TO BE MATILDA?

I THINK YOU STILL DON'T GET THIS.

YOU STILL WANT TO HIDE IN PEOPLE'S GARDENS AND TAKE PICTURES OF CATHEDRALS.

You can't appreciate anything you have because you're too worried about what you thought you wanted.

I wish you would grow up.

Love,

Kitty