You got here fast

But nothing will ever beat the feeling of the steady rhythm of a pen against paper.

Or the drum of the beat of my brain against my skull.

I realize that I have lost all my creativity. The internet has sapped me of it.

Words, words, words.

I wonder what thoughts would sound like. Popping noises, I imagine.

Sudden, obvious realizations would sound like muffled thuds.

Moments of pure joy can be silence.

I'm working on a collage with a surrealist theme. I wish I could go see some of Jeff Koons work in person. I really need it right now.

But obviously it will be nothing like this:

Sigh.

Anyways.

It will be more like this

ilu dadaist collage. You always make me feel better because you have absolutely no point.

Juuuust like my life :|

I've realized that everything I need to continue in the vein of last year.

Complete disassociation is necessary. I cannot run from things by throwing myself into work.

The only way to run from things is to literally get up and run away.

Leave.

And that is what I'm going to try to do, kitty.

I can't seem to stop wanting to live through other people and appreciate my own life.

Is this why I have such bad dreams and wake up in the middle of the night all the time?

Kitty, I have never felt such a strong desire to be a ghost.

Present but non-existent.

I think I have lived a long enough time in my almost 19 years

and experienced enough things

to where I don't really want to feel anymore

there are things that I obviously have no idea about...

I don't care.

It's not about bad feelings or good feelings.

It's not about being sad or happy.

I want to be kind of hollow.

I want to float away on clouds of apathy and listen to music without words.

The worst feeling in the world is hearing someone say something positive

and not being able to bring yourself to agree with them.

You wish you could believe it but you can't.

I hate everything about my personality.

I'll attempt to be supportive of it and accept it

but then people enjoy so much to point out the obvious, don't they?

I don't like all these words, kitty.

We never talked this much before.

We used images

and some phrases.

Some people are so vacuous and petty,

they do not deserve to use words.

Those people,

they go to bookstores

to let the words of others

define them

just like everyone else.