Dear family,

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I cannot ever express this enough. I give up on reason, empathy, and rebelling.

I'm officially finished with you.

You only exist right now to give me money.

I have absolutely no trust, respect or any sort of connection forthwith.

This is not your fault nor is it mine. I wish I knew whose it was so I could throttle them.

I don't like living in constant state of fear and panic, I don't like that when I hear your voices I start cringing, I don't like falling asleep hearing you discuss the future you have planned for me, I don't care hearing how every other child- how every other person is better than I am, how this isn't the "real" me, how I need to work harder to better than everyone else, how I'm not good enough, how I'm not like you.

I hate:

how you care so much about what everyone thinks,

HOW YOU'VE NEVER SHOWN ME OFF IN YOUR ENTIRE LIVES unless it was to show what a good person YOU were,

HOW YOU'VE TRICKED ALL THE OTHER ASIANS INTO THINKING YOU'RE MORE MODERN AND LIBERAL THAN THEM and then turnaround and tell me that we're OLD MONEY and SO TRADITIONAL because we're BETTER than all those losers,

how every conversation holds implications about my character,

how when you call I stop breathing, when I wake up in the morning the first thing I have to do is find my mother and make sure she is in a good mood or will ALLOW me to do something before I even get out of bed.

How when you finally sit me down and ask what's so wrong, I can't think of anything to tell you because "OH ALL FAMILIES DO THAT, YOU TAKE EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY",

how I can't trust you to the point where I have to lie about just going out to get a cup of coffee,

how I have to act like an FBI agent around you and in my own "home",

how you made me so insecure that I don't even trust people who want me,

how you convinced me that I was so hideous and horrible that the boys that hit on me thought I was easy because I was so ugly and desperate.

I hate:

how you keep trying to raise me as if we're in Pakistan while putting me through an elite American education system,

how you'll allow me to do ridiculous things to impress other people but when it's a personal issue it doesn't matter at all,

how you try to make me believe that everyone is out to get me,

how you try to convince me that you're the only people who love me and care about me,

how you made me stop cutting myself because "people will ask" about my scars,

how you've determined my whole life to fit what your parents couldn't get you to do,

how you wouldn't let me kill myself when I tried to,

how you made me cry so much that I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore.

I want to cry.

I'm sick of choking on emotions. But I can't cry anymore.

I have no tears, only a throbbing pain in my temples.

I try to sometimes because it makes me feel better.

I absorb everything that happens now. I promised I would never let any of you see how much you effect me because I don't want you to know that anything you do or say HAS any effect.

And then I forget about it as soon as possible so I don't have to think about it.

You don't mean anything to me. You are just living ATM machines. You disgust me. I'm never going to forgive you for what you've done. There is no love in my heart for you anymore.

I feel like I'm constantly in competition with all of you and that we judge one another so much it's as if we're all complete strangers.

I just wish that I could cry about this. But I can't. I can't. I can't.