DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHO I THOUGHT WE WANTED ME TO BE?

Because I fucking blanked.

I get excited, I try to be the person I've always wanted to be...and then it all falls through.

No one seems to want to be a part of it. Then I remember that it's all about me and what I want.

It's still what I want.

But I didn't want it without everyone else.

.271 8/30/09 by Mern featuring Monsoon bags

I'm still just a poser.

Black Students Association

I'm hoping the club joining business works out.

And I'm kind of glad that DJ Eskbn told me about F6. That's tight.

Check out F6 on the web. I was hoping for some fun arty shit to do and this is perfect.

Watch it be 21 and up though.

So I finally ripped a hole in my favorite jeans.

TIME TO GO SHOPPING.

I'm listening to 3OH!3 like a complete loser.

I joined Students for Asian Indian Cultural Awareness, Asian Media Club (AKA Anime Club), Gay Straight Alliance.

I am still considering Interfaith. I just want to be a part of something and make an impact.

AND ABOUT BSA.

I joined the Black Students Association.

NOT TO BE A PUNK.

To help out with their annual fashion show.

I want to see if I can do the makeup or help coordinate accessories/style some.

You know what. I wish people would remember me instead of being awkward.

Maybe I'll just go home. Fuck it. Yeah.

I'll leave you with this.

KANYE AND LUDA

My life is busy right now.

I haven't felt like blogging.

I was almost considering going back to my journal.

I don't know why.

I'm probably going to make a collage soon.

My head isn't cluttered, just overwhelmed.

I have so much stuff going on this week and next week.

All this freedom is...weird.

I hate how people dress here. I know it's college but how can you wear shorts and t-shirts and boat shoes everyday?

I dress a lot nicer than everyone.

A lot of people are actually a little shocked that I go to my 8AMs with makeup and gladiator sandals.

The whole female dorm thing is also beginning to freak me out.

Too many crazy ass bitches and straight up sorrostitutes.

I really love my roommate though :D

I just realized my tweets have been dwindling into schoolwork that no one could give less of a shit about.

ANYWAYS:

Schedule for the weekend.

Friday night movie out on the campus lawn (Angels & Demons)

Saturday the parents come visit and then I'm going home for the night.

Shopping for jeans, more clothes, and...I don't know.

I miss my cat.

And I get jealous superfast.

okay.

I'm out.

I won't take your hand and marry the state

Don't get me wrong...I love it here.

I've made a handful of friends.

I start fasting tomorrow.

I had Blue Mesa for dinner tonight.

I haven't met any guys yet except for two International kids (Apparently they don't count as people because they're "international" [followed by eye-roll]).

I went grocery shopping by myself and for myself for the first time.

That's about it.

Otherwise. I'm good.

My brain feels relatively normal besides the fact that my mother makes me call her every three hours.

I didn't even need to collage today.

If I did- It would have been lots of black leather, studded shoes, and metallic bangles with some Gaspard Ulliel pictures and a stapler with vampire fangs.

My best times so far have been at the library. I even got to meet my friend Ananya who I've been stalking on Facebook for the past two months :]

We're both going to be in the Gay-Straight Alliance together so I'm happy.

I really just want to go to the Activities Fair and go sign up for some shit.

I NEED TO STAY BUSY.

I ALSO THINK I'M GOING TO END UP TAKING A THURSDAY NIGHT CLASS FOR MEDIA.

That's right. 18 hours. and my tuition fund only paid fifteen.

F.U.C.K. them.

All my scans and junk are at home which sucks because that would have distracted me from the fast tomorrow. But I brought my new poetry book for the library: 'Poetry of Byron, Keats, and Shelley".

Don't state the obvious.

I'm exhausted. Thank god for sleep masks.

.270 8/17/09 by Mern featuring Marc Jacobs bags

I turn into J. Alfred Prufrock at parties where there are more than 5 people.

But I like to eat and twiddle my thumbs. A lot.

I could do it for hours.

I should follow other blogs

.269 8/16/09 by Mern featuring Tarina Tarantino

I don't feel like I should have to explain these things.

Because I'm the only person who reads my blog.

No one is giving me any time to fucking watch my KDramas...I'm stuck on Episode 3 of Hana Yori Dango (Boys Over Flowers).

I still have so much to do. I have a test this Friday.

AND an application due next Friday.

I want to be involved as possible. I want to be busy and happy all the time.

Like my life should be CLASS, REC CENTER, WORK/CLUBS, CLASS, STUDYING, PARTY, SLEEP.

The end.

I should probably start getting religious soon. Ramadan starts on Friday.

I'm just going to cut down on makeup and that's it.

I'm not going to lie and say I'M NOT DOIN NOTHIN THAT AINT PERTAININ TO ISLAM YO.

Not this year. Maybe next year when I've decided to grow up some more.

And Thursday night is dinner at the Mosque.

That's about it.

I think I'm taking way too much, but this time I can dress how I want so it'll be okay.

I'm just worried my shit is gonna get stole due to it being awesome.

I'll put up those scans and those pictures soon....

Byeee

Guy walks into a bar, says FUCK THAT HURTS

.268 8/14/09 by Mern

Deep sea fish: vintage National Geographic magazines for $2 each/ no makeup for Ramadan besides eyeliner/

Am I getting a new 2009 Jeep Patriot?/ My jewelry isn't safe/ I'm obsessed with Korean men (Lee Min Ho)/ Mern will never be good

enough for Mehreen/ Why can't I be like you Dita?/ Miu Miu shoes will take you good places/ I have terrible legs,

let me hypnotize you instead/ Diptyque- THEY'RE MADE OF

SOY SO YOU GET A CLEANER SCENT/ "I have uneven lips that make all the boys go WOAH"

I can't stop thinking about boys besides the fact that I really hate them right now.

I think I'm done shopping. As I've spent about $1500.

I miss England terribly. I could almost cry.

And the only reason I like Jeff Koons is because he's purposely creating an aesthetic that everyone can enjoy.

And he knows it. So really, he's making fun of everyone who enjoys.

BUT I LOVE IT.

Even the installations.

I'm going to put up some scans tomorrow and some covers.

I'm not here to impress you, but I secretly hope I do. I just want to mean something.

Come learn English with me

.267 8/12/09 Mood Board by Mern featuring Stella McCartney tote bags

.267 8/12/09 Mood Board by Mern featuring Forever21 jewelry

Honestly. I had to make two. There was so much shit up in there.

I never got why people made these but it really really really helps.

I mentioned I was having an existential crisis last night and Tony reminded me of Solipsism.

Is that it? Is my entire world only existing in my head?

So this means I'm going to end up like the rest of the family.

Bring on the dementia, schizophrenia, depression, and prescription meds addictions.

I do like this Boys Over Flowers. It really is just Shojo Manga come to life.

Kim Joon really looks fine as fuck in hats though.

Oh and as far as my "phases" go. They are what make me myself. That's what seperates...Me from Mern.

I'm not really embarrassed by any of them.

Oh I managed to thank the used via Twitter yesterday and Jeph actually replied back saying thanks.

I left out "Your music made me intensely suicidal and rebellious. I was convinced that drugs were an okay option and running away from home was as well.

I started shoplifting and vandalizing school property and stopped caring about my grades. I also started cutting myself when I couldn't heandle my emotions"

So thank you, The Used. Thanks a lot Bert. Especially.

Sometimes musicians don't understand how much they impact their audiences.

They really don't.

That being said- ages 14 and 15 were quite fun.

And I abruptly stopped all of the above at about 15 and a half.

Why?

Because I stopped hanging out with the wrong people and started getting into my culture.

That saved me.

I've never done drugs in my life. I don't cut anymore. I think I'm a beautiful person.

These widespread interests of mine helped me.

I just hope that someday. I can meet a boy who shares them with me.

Zombie Unicorns in Chicago

Never have I ever....bought this many clothes for myself. In my life.

It feels amazing to be able to have a whole bunch of outfits.

I mean, I wore a uniform to school for 13 years straight so all I have is T-shirts from school events and maybe three- four outfits total for weekend.

Now I finally have things to wear WITH my jewelry instead of my jewelry being the whole point of my clothes.

Sidra told me to buy a whole bunch of outfits and then just to refresh my wardrobe every month by buying two or three pieces. I think I will do my shopping for that in Northpark- a monthly pilgrimage if you will.

I'm sort of obsessed with a lot of things. Which is odd. I have only truly given my mind, body and soul to three things in my life: Harry Potter, My Chemical Romance, and fashion. I never want to have that commitment with anything else. It was a spectacular relationship though. Pure devotion to each thing: looking up pictures, keeping current with related topics, being an expert on whatever it was. I breathed, blinked, ate, and drank those three. I still do but not as prominently.

However now I find my interests a bit scattered but I suppose this is what they mean by "unique" personality. Many things make it up but none of them define me.

Right now my obsessions:

.266 8/11/09 Mood board by Mern on Polyvore.com

Sinology- specifically Emperor Qin's Terra cotta warriors in Xi'an. Ramadan/Islamic history. Grunge style. Korean boys- They're so sexy, especially the boys from the Boys over Flowers TV show. Tokyo city and Japanese city life. Graffiti art- and anything Fafi related. The Romanov Dynasty in Russia and their patronage. My Marc by Marc Jacobs guitar watch which I've been wearing non-stop for the past two weeks with my Guess message bangles (they're turning my wrists green). Bellatrix Lestrange- her as a person, her style, her life, and, yes, Helena Bonham Carter as her.

I lost all my Imogen Heap and Feist songs when my dad switched the modems. I have to get them back. All I've been listening to is dance lately.

Not healthy.

I'm feeling a lot healthier. I just feel so down at random moments. Mainly when I'm out at night.

I think I'm going to be a real night owl. There's just something about the dark that makes everything a hell of a lot more fascinating.

By the way- I put away my diary. I'm using this.

The amount of shopping and things I'm getting would make you think I'm moving to a different state instead of just twenty minutes away. My parents

think I'll be visiting every weekend, but I'll come home every other weekend for laundry and that is all. I really need to be independent for once.

Things I hope to have done by October: CONCERT. JOB. FROGAIDES. SIX FLAGS. HAUNTED HOUSE. PARTY. DALLAS. HOOKAH.

And I'm hoping that in Spring, I will have enough balls to attempt a trip to Austin for a music festival with some friends.

I had better get some new friends that I actually have something in common with.

I love meeting people and making friends who I have nothing in common with but I really do want to meet some people who enjoy the same things I do.

It's going to be hard but I'll find them.

IN addition to the Gay-Straight Alliance, Muslim Student Association, (hopefully) FrogAides, (hopefully) Image magazine, I want to join the Anime Club

and some random clubs too. Just for fun. I want to know a lot of people!

I WANT TO HAVE FUN AND BE IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE.

I like listening to Van She. A lot. I'm just going to buy the album. They're sound like Van Halen interpreted by The Living Things.

All right I'm going to bed.

I hope I get that Sephora job, and all my wishes are fulfilled. I also want to go and check out some photography and art books to look at.

AND I CAN'T FIND MY GOLDFRAPP CD!

Fuck.

Oh and I swear too much apparently according to everyone.

Fuck 'em.